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Hello

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Good evening and happy World
War three to all who celebrate.

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It's me, Donald Trump,
FIFA Peace Prize

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winner and Nobel Peace
Prize taker. Yoink.

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Remember when I did that?

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I launched this attack
after me and my Board of Peace

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decided
that we were Board of Peace.

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Little wordplay. There.
You catch it.

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As we all know,

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Iran has been two weeks away
from developing a nuclear weapon

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for like,
the last 15 years or something.

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So we had to act
now, and we're doing war work.

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What is it good for? Distracting
from the Epstein files.

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And I know on the campaign trail
I promised

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no new foreign wars. But listen,
war is plural, right?

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Well, I had to do one.

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The one foreign war
and possibly one several

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to all my MAGA voters
who are upset

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and saying,
this is not what I voted for.

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Well, do you, dad? Don't
you know who I am? I, me,

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even I don't know what I'm going
to do next.

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Hello from the year 5000. Like,
what the hell is that? Right?

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Nobody knows.

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I'm unpredictable.
I'm like a box of chocolates.

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You never know what you're going
to get. Forrest Gump.

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Gump.

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America's
favorite time traveling outward.

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He told that story to that nurse
on the bench.

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After the feather
fell down. Gump.

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I don't get it. People
begging begged for Trump.

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And then when you get them,
you don't like.

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And what's going on? All right,
I'm like new Star Wars movies.

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I see the
trailer for Mandalorian Goku,

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and they say, never mind,
I don't want that.

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People are asking,
why attack Iran now?

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Well, we had to strike
in the early hours of Saturday,

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which has two advantages
militarily.

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One, it's after the stock
market closes for the weekend,

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and two, it's
to cause immeasurable fear,

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rage and chaos in the SNL
writers room.

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Those guys were going crazy.

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They probably had a big state
of the union

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address thing
they were going to do.

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Not anymore.

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Jeremy was in it. But
Jeremy, he's got a late show,

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but the whole thing in the trash
and start fresh.

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We love that for them.

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Anyway,
with more on this, here's

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a man I'm going to blame it on
when it doesn't work.

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Secretary of War Pete Hegseth.

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Yeah.

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All right, all right,
cut the track. Cut the track.

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And relax.

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Is the Four Loko non elk.

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Subdue weeds.

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As you probably heard, Operation
Epic Fury is underway.

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And as you could tell from the
veins in my neck, I'm pumped.

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Why do we call it
epic fury? Simple.

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Eight letters lines up perfectly
for some bitchin knuckle tats.

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Yeah,
get him in the wrong order.

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But you get it.

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And those are my least
problematic tattoos.

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Shut up.

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They asked for someone
to volunteer to oversee this

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half bank operation,
and I didn't walk.

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I ran.

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For President Trump.

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Call me at two in the morning.

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You know, I was awake, sober,

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and already training
for the mission, playing

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Prince of Persia
Sands of Time on my Gamecube.

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We love the Gamecube.
It's underrated. Yeah.

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Misunderstood system.
The Gamecube had

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a small library.
It was hard to code for.

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It was hard to code for.

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Smart man.

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But don't let my confident
demeanor fool you.

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I am scared
and I don't know what I'm doing

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when he said we were going

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to blow up the leader of Iran,
I thought he was kidding.

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And now, all day long
I've been here.

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People saying,
why do we do this?

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What's the reason for this war?

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Oh yeah, I actually have
the reason right here.

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It's under my chin.
Let me get it for you.

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Goodfellas.

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Bottom line, all of you
should be thanking us.

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We took out a horrendous,
horrible leader

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who was oppressing
his own people.

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But don't get any ideas
and live from New York.

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AND LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S

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SATURDAY NIGHT!

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>> Announcer: IT'S "SATURDAY

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NIGHT LIVE" WITH --

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MUSICAL GUEST MUMFORD and SONS.

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AND YOUR HOST, CONNOR STORRIE.

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LADIES AND GENTLEMEN -- CONNOR

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STORRIE!

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[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

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♪♪

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Thank you.

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Thank you. Thank you.

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Thank you very much.

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I am so excited to be here. Yes.

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Okay, okay.

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Now, some of you may have seen
literally all of me on my show.

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Heated rivalry.

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It's a show that has taught

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a lot of people about hockey,
and it's taught

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a lot of straight women

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that their sexuality
is actually gay. Guy.

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If you haven't seen it,
it's a little spicy,

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but it's actually
a lot more than that.

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It's not said
I could show a clip,

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so I found one that was good
for the whole family.

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Okay.

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That is literally all
we could show from the show.

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But this show
has totally changed my life.

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Okay, right before I got
cast, I was a waiter, and,

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YEAH.

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AND I'VE ONLY -- SO I'VE ONLY

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and, I've only.

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So I've only technically been

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a professional actor for, like,
six months now.

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But on the other hand,

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I've been preparing for this
my entire life

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since I was a 12 year
old obsessed with acting.

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So it's like.

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It's like, on one hand,
I'm totally surprised

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and humbled
that this is happening to me.

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And on the other hand.

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This was my destiny.

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When I was little,
I said to my mother,

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why do I have to have
the last name story?

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The whole world is going to know
me as just Connor,

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like I'm Madonna

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or Cher or Paddington.

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Mother. I'm not a story.

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I'm a whole damn book.

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I am kidding.

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Seriously,
I promise I'm nothing like that.

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I am much worse.

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[ LAUGHTER ]

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I'M JOKING.

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I'm joking.

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I definitely did not have
a glamorous childhood, though.

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I grew up in Texas,
and my mom was Texas.

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I grew up in Texas,

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and my mom would drive me hours
to auditions.

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She even drove me
to this weird mall

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where they did this, like,
National Kids talent contest.

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Which I won hands down

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in every category

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by doing a catwalk to It's
Raining Men with other children.

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BUT SERIOUSLY.

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But seriously,

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I really did not know
if this would ever happen to me.

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And you know,
when I got the call

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that I was going to be on SNL,
I honestly cried.

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And, yeah, you know, I am just,

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I really I am just so,
so thankful for everything

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that this job gives me
the chance to do.

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You know, like, in two weeks,

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I had to learn
how to play Russian

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and look like
I knew how to play hockey.

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And then I'm watching
the Olympics

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and I see these amazing players,
and I'm like,

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I don't think I pulled it off.

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[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

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Whoa, whoa.

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[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

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No way.

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Man, I hear you're great.

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Oh, and and, Jack, you guys
literally just won the Olympics.

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Congrats.

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Thanks.
We've been so busy playing.

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We haven't had time to see
your show yet.

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It's about hockey, right?

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Yeah, kind of.

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I got my teeth
knocked out in the finals.

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That happened in your show.

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Metaphorically.

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[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

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Cool.

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What team do you play on?

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The Boston Raiders.
Boston Raiders.

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What league is that?
The NHL. The HBO.

188
00:11:01,528 --> 00:11:03,063
But you guys should
check it out.

189
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Oh, I hope some hockey players
watched it.

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[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

191
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Oh. Don't worry.

192
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We saw your show.

193
00:11:37,764 --> 00:11:38,198
Oh, wow.

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Hilary, Megan is so cool
that we're all here.

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It was going to be just us,

196
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but we thought we'd invite
the guys to.

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[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

198
00:11:51,177 --> 00:11:53,513
Yeah, we thought we'd give them
a little moment to shine.

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[ LAUGHTER ]

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00:11:54,781 --> 00:11:56,583
Well, that is very important.

201
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You know, my show
speaks to people

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00:11:58,018 --> 00:11:59,652
who are not
always represented in hockey.

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So this is really great

204
00:12:01,187 --> 00:12:03,623
to have actual hockey
legends here tonight.

205
00:12:03,623 --> 00:12:07,394
I mean, yeah, I mean, both of
your teams just won the gold.

206
00:12:07,394 --> 00:12:10,797
Thanks. The last time the men
did that was 46 years ago.

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00:12:10,797 --> 00:12:14,567
And the last time we did
that was two whole Olympics ago.

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00:12:14,567 --> 00:12:18,672
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

209
00:12:18,672 --> 00:12:19,773
Nice burn.

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00:12:19,773 --> 00:12:21,808
But these gold medals aren't
just for us.

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00:12:21,808 --> 00:12:24,277
They're for all hockey
fans. Yours too.

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00:12:24,277 --> 00:12:27,847
Oh, so can I try one on? No.

213
00:12:27,847 --> 00:12:29,482
We have a great show for you
tonight.

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00:12:29,482 --> 00:12:34,387
Mumford and sons is here. Stick
around. We'll be right back.

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00:12:49,936 --> 00:12:50,704
>>> GO RICKY!

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00:12:50,704 --> 00:12:51,838
GO RICKY!

217
00:12:51,838 --> 00:12:53,306
GO RICKY!

218
00:12:53,306 --> 00:12:54,474
GO RICKY!

219
00:12:54,474 --> 00:12:57,510
>> YOU GUYS, STOP.

220
00:12:57,510 --> 00:13:00,146
WE HAVE A MATH TEST TODAY.

221
00:13:00,146 --> 00:13:00,847
>> WHO EVEN CARES ABOUT MATH

222
00:13:00,847 --> 00:13:04,284
WHEN YOU CAN DO THIS?

223
00:13:04,284 --> 00:13:05,952
>> OKAY, EVERYBODY SILENT RIGHT

224
00:13:05,952 --> 00:13:08,154
NOW, OKAY?

225
00:13:08,154 --> 00:13:11,725
MR. JACOB, SIT DOWN YESTERDAY.

226
00:13:11,725 --> 00:13:13,126
>> SORRY, JUST PLAYING.

227
00:13:13,126 --> 00:13:17,397
>> NOT TODAY, GUYS.

228
00:13:17,397 --> 00:13:20,700
I AM IN A BAD MOOD, OKAY?

229
00:13:20,700 --> 00:13:23,970
>> DANG, MR. FRANZY, IS

230
00:13:23,970 --> 00:13:24,637
EVERYTHING OKAY?

231
00:13:24,637 --> 00:13:26,740
>> NO, EVERYTHING IS NOT OKAY.

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THIS MORNING, MY WIFE SPILLED MY

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00:13:29,776 --> 00:13:32,946
COFFEE ALL OVER MY BODY.

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00:13:32,946 --> 00:13:34,681
AND MY COFFEE WAS EVERYWHERE.

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AND MY BODY WAS ON FIRE.

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SO I CALL MY BUDDY AND HE CAME

237
00:13:42,422 --> 00:13:45,325
OVER AND HE COVER MY BODY FROM

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00:13:45,325 --> 00:13:47,093
MY FEET UNTIL MY HEAD.

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00:13:47,093 --> 00:13:50,563
OKAY?

240
00:13:50,563 --> 00:13:51,264
>> WOW.

241
00:13:51,264 --> 00:13:53,466
SORRY THAT HAPPENED TO YOU, MR.

242
00:13:53,466 --> 00:13:53,800
FRANZY.

243
00:13:53,967 --> 00:13:56,636
>> IT'S OKAY, GUYS.

244
00:13:56,636 --> 00:13:59,005
I JUST LETTING YOU KNOW THAT

245
00:13:59,005 --> 00:14:01,107
TODAY IS NOT THE DAY TO PLAY

246
00:14:01,107 --> 00:14:04,044
WITH MR. FRANZY.

247
00:14:04,044 --> 00:14:05,812
NOW PLEASE, TAKE A QUIZ AND

248
00:14:05,812 --> 00:14:12,152
PASSING IT TO YOUR NEIGHBORS.

249
00:14:12,152 --> 00:14:16,356
THIS IS A BIG QUIZ, GUYS.

250
00:14:16,356 --> 00:14:16,890
[ LAUGHTER ]

251
00:14:17,057 --> 00:14:17,791
IT COUNT FOR 65% OF YOUR GRADE,

252
00:14:17,791 --> 00:14:21,361
OKAY?

253
00:14:21,361 --> 00:14:22,095
THAT'S A LOT OF PERCENT OF YOUR

254
00:14:22,095 --> 00:14:25,198
GRADE, GUYS.

255
00:14:25,198 --> 00:14:25,732
[ LAUGHTER ]

256
00:14:25,832 --> 00:14:27,834
SO I NEED A SILENCE IN HERE.

257
00:14:27,834 --> 00:14:29,302
NO JOKES.

258
00:14:29,302 --> 00:14:30,704
NO COMMENTS FROM THE PENIS

259
00:14:30,704 --> 00:14:31,071
GALLERY.

260
00:14:31,071 --> 00:14:35,809
[ LAUGHTER ]

261
00:14:35,809 --> 00:14:38,411
OKAY, I'M SORRY, WHAT IS SO

262
00:14:38,411 --> 00:14:38,712
FUNNY?

263
00:14:39,079 --> 00:14:41,081
>> SERIOUSLY, DUDE, YOU JUST

264
00:14:41,081 --> 00:14:42,248
SAID PENIS.

265
00:14:42,248 --> 00:14:43,316
>> NO, NO, NO.

266
00:14:43,316 --> 00:14:45,785
PENIS.

267
00:14:45,785 --> 00:14:46,186
[ LAUGHTER ]

268
00:14:46,186 --> 00:14:49,289
LIKE THE SNACK.

269
00:14:49,289 --> 00:14:51,358
AS IN MY WIFE IS DEFINITELY

270
00:14:51,358 --> 00:14:51,858
ALLERGIC TO PENIS.

271
00:14:51,858 --> 00:14:55,829
[ LAUGHTER ]

272
00:14:55,829 --> 00:14:56,763
FOR ME, I LOVE PENIS.

273
00:14:56,763 --> 00:14:59,766
[ LAUGHTER ]

274
00:14:59,766 --> 00:15:02,635
BUT MY BIGGEST STRUGGLE IN MY

275
00:15:02,635 --> 00:15:05,338
LIFE IS KEEPING MY PENIS AWAY

276
00:15:05,338 --> 00:15:06,940
FROM MY WIFE.

277
00:15:06,940 --> 00:15:07,340
[ LAUGHTER ]

278
00:15:07,474 --> 00:15:09,042
>> STOP SAYING PENIS!

279
00:15:09,042 --> 00:15:14,314
>> STOP THIS!

280
00:15:14,314 --> 00:15:17,050
OH, OH, OH!

281
00:15:17,050 --> 00:15:22,088
FOCUS ON THE QUIZ, GUYS.

282
00:15:22,088 --> 00:15:24,657
[ LAUGHTER ]

283
00:15:24,657 --> 00:15:28,762
VERY GOOD, GUYS.

284
00:15:28,762 --> 00:15:29,863
THIS IS WHAT I LIKE TO BE

285
00:15:29,863 --> 00:15:31,264
SEEING, GUYS.

286
00:15:31,264 --> 00:15:32,298
VERY QUIET.

287
00:15:32,298 --> 00:15:32,866
VERY NICE.

288
00:15:32,866 --> 00:15:33,967
I LIKE IT.

289
00:15:33,967 --> 00:15:34,334
>> UH --

290
00:15:34,334 --> 00:15:37,604
[ LAUGHTER ]

291
00:15:37,604 --> 00:15:39,439
YO, MR. FRANZY --

292
00:15:39,439 --> 00:15:41,908
>> WHAT COULD YOU POSSIBLY HAVE

293
00:15:41,908 --> 00:15:42,709
TO SAY TO ME?

294
00:15:42,709 --> 00:15:44,477
>> NO, IT'S JUST THAT THIS TEST

295
00:15:44,477 --> 00:15:45,278
DOESN'T MAKE SENSE.

296
00:15:45,278 --> 00:15:46,146
THE FIRST QUESTION IS, WHAT IS

297
00:15:46,146 --> 00:15:48,515
THE SQUARE AND WHO IS HIS WIFE?

298
00:15:48,515 --> 00:15:51,618
[ LAUGHTER ]

299
00:15:51,618 --> 00:15:54,788
>> COME ON, GUYS.

300
00:15:54,788 --> 00:15:56,890
YOU KNOW THIS.

301
00:15:56,890 --> 00:15:58,725
YOU KNOW THE SQUARE WIFE.

302
00:15:58,725 --> 00:16:05,031
HIS WIFE IS THE RHOMBUS.

303
00:16:05,031 --> 00:16:05,732
NOW, I AM --

304
00:16:05,732 --> 00:16:06,132
[ LAUGHTER ]

305
00:16:06,132 --> 00:16:09,269
SILENCE.

306
00:16:09,269 --> 00:16:12,238
AND NOW I WILL BRIEFLY GO TO THE

307
00:16:12,238 --> 00:16:15,408
BATHROOM AND PRIVATELY REAPPLY

308
00:16:15,408 --> 00:16:16,643
THE ALOE VERA EVERYWHERE IN MY

309
00:16:16,643 --> 00:16:19,846
BODY, OKAY?

310
00:16:19,846 --> 00:16:21,314
I TRUST YOU GUYS TO BE MY LITTLE

311
00:16:21,314 --> 00:16:22,449
ANGELS FROM JESUS, OKAY?

312
00:16:22,449 --> 00:16:28,054
[ LAUGHTER ]

313
00:16:28,054 --> 00:16:31,358
THIS IS A BIG QUIZ, GUYS.

314
00:16:31,358 --> 00:16:31,958
I'M PROUD OF YOU GUYS.

315
00:16:31,958 --> 00:16:35,295
[ LAUGHTER ]

316
00:16:35,295 --> 00:16:35,762
>> DO IT, DO IT!

317
00:16:35,762 --> 00:16:41,501
>> DO IT.

318
00:16:41,501 --> 00:16:42,068
>> OKAY, YOU GUYS.

319
00:16:42,068 --> 00:16:43,169
[ LAUGHTER ]

320
00:16:43,169 --> 00:16:47,374
I AM MR. FRANZY.

321
00:16:47,374 --> 00:16:53,646
MY WIFE IS DEADLY ALLERGIC TO MY

322
00:16:53,646 --> 00:16:54,080
PEE-PEE.

323
00:16:54,147 --> 00:16:54,948
>> GO OFF, RITCHIE.

324
00:16:54,948 --> 00:16:56,516
>> AND THE CRAZY THING IS -- I

325
00:16:56,516 --> 00:17:03,323
HAVE NO IDEA THAT NOBODY EVEN

326
00:17:03,323 --> 00:17:03,857
LIKE ME.

327
00:17:03,857 --> 00:17:06,760
[ AUDIENCE MOANING ]

328
00:17:06,760 --> 00:17:08,128
>> REALLY, GUYS?

329
00:17:08,128 --> 00:17:11,031
[ LAUGHTER ]

330
00:17:11,031 --> 00:17:12,399
THIS IS WHAT YOU THINK OF ME,

331
00:17:12,399 --> 00:17:13,566
MR. DIEGO?

332
00:17:13,566 --> 00:17:15,869
>> I'M SORRY, MR. FRANZY, I WAS

333
00:17:15,869 --> 00:17:16,403
JUST JOKING AROUND.

334
00:17:16,403 --> 00:17:19,839
>> WOW.

335
00:17:19,839 --> 00:17:22,242
THIS IS ONE OF THE DARKEST DAYS.

336
00:17:22,242 --> 00:17:22,642
[ LAUGHTER ]

337
00:17:22,709 --> 00:17:25,345
OF MY ENTIRE LIFE.

338
00:17:25,345 --> 00:17:26,079
I DID NOT THINK THAT MY HEART

339
00:17:26,079 --> 00:17:29,082
COULD BE BROKEN LIKE THIS.

340
00:17:29,082 --> 00:17:30,817
>> OH NO, MR. FRANZY, PLEASE

341
00:17:30,817 --> 00:17:40,160
DON'T CRY.

342
00:17:40,160 --> 00:17:42,629
>> YO, WHY DOES HE SOUND LIKE A

343
00:17:42,629 --> 00:17:44,064
RING TONE?

344
00:17:44,064 --> 00:17:47,233
[ LAUGHTER ]

345
00:17:47,233 --> 00:17:49,703
>> YOU GUYS DON'T UNDERSTAND.

346
00:17:49,703 --> 00:17:55,275
I CAME TO THIS COUNTRY IN 1997

347
00:17:55,275 --> 00:17:56,843
ALL FOR THE DREAM OF ONE DAY

348
00:17:56,843 --> 00:18:00,714
TEACHING YOU GUYS ABOUT THE

349
00:18:00,714 --> 00:18:05,585
RHOMBUS AND HER FIANCEE, THE

350
00:18:05,585 --> 00:18:06,052
SQUARE.

351
00:18:06,286 --> 00:18:10,256
AND NOW YOU DESTROY MY BODY AND

352
00:18:10,256 --> 00:18:11,591
MY HEART.

353
00:18:11,591 --> 00:18:12,258
>> NO.

354
00:18:12,258 --> 00:18:13,193
I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT SUBJECT

355
00:18:13,193 --> 00:18:13,626
THIS CLASS IS.

356
00:18:13,626 --> 00:18:15,795
[ LAUGHTER ]

357
00:18:15,795 --> 00:18:18,531
>> YOU GUYS, I THINK WE ALL OWE

358
00:18:18,531 --> 00:18:20,767
MR. FRANZY AN APOLOGY.

359
00:18:20,767 --> 00:18:23,636
>> THANK YOU, ANJA, YOU HAVE A

360
00:18:23,636 --> 00:18:24,237
HEART OF GOLD.

361
00:18:24,237 --> 00:18:26,306
>> WE'RE SORRY, MR. FRANZY.

362
00:18:26,306 --> 00:18:28,041
WE ONLY MAKE FUN OF YOU BECAUSE

363
00:18:28,041 --> 00:18:30,810
YOU'RE LIKE ONE OF US.

364
00:18:30,810 --> 00:18:32,445
BUT I GUESS WHAT I'M TRYING TO

365
00:18:32,445 --> 00:18:36,383
SAY IS -- WE LOVE YOU, MR.

366
00:18:36,383 --> 00:18:36,716
FRANZY.

367
00:18:36,716 --> 00:18:38,818
[ LAUGHTER ]

368
00:18:38,818 --> 00:18:40,053
>> MR. DIEGO.

369
00:18:40,053 --> 00:18:42,956
YOU MEAN IT?

370
00:18:42,956 --> 00:18:45,458
>> OKAY, GUYS.

371
00:18:45,458 --> 00:18:46,059
WE LOVE MR. FRANZY.

372
00:18:46,092 --> 00:18:48,428
>> WE LOVE YOU, MR. FRANZY.

373
00:18:48,428 --> 00:18:50,163
>> WE LOVE YOU, MR. FRANZY.

374
00:18:50,163 --> 00:18:53,066
>> WE LOVE YOU, MR. FRANZY.

375
00:18:53,066 --> 00:18:55,735
>> I -- I MEAN -- YOUR WORDS ARE

376
00:18:55,735 --> 00:18:57,137
LIKE, I LOVE YOU BETTER FROM MY

377
00:18:57,137 --> 00:19:00,040
HEART.

378
00:19:00,040 --> 00:19:02,075
EVERYBODY GOT AN "A."

379
00:19:02,075 --> 00:19:04,344
>> EVERYBODY -- FRANZY!

380
00:19:04,344 --> 00:19:05,278
FRANZY!

381
00:19:05,278 --> 00:19:05,612
FRANZY!

382
00:19:05,612 --> 00:19:08,114
FRANZY!

383
00:19:08,114 --> 00:19:08,848
>> I LOVE YOU GUYS, I LOVE YOU

384
00:19:08,848 --> 00:19:10,050
GUYS!

385
00:19:10,050 --> 00:19:12,652
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

386
00:19:19,292 --> 00:19:20,560
>>> IT TURNS OUT THE POOR

387
00:19:20,560 --> 00:19:22,796
BASTARD HAD WORN HIS RIDING

388
00:19:22,796 --> 00:19:23,530
BOOTS TO LUNCHEON.

389
00:19:23,530 --> 00:19:26,266
>> OH, THE ABSOLUTE SHAME!

390
00:19:26,266 --> 00:19:28,268
>> LORD KENLEY.

391
00:19:28,268 --> 00:19:32,339
>> LADY DELLACORTE, A PLEASURE.

392
00:19:32,339 --> 00:19:34,708
>> I QUITE LOOK FORWARD TO OUR

393
00:19:34,708 --> 00:19:35,475
CROQUET MATCH THIS AFTERNOON AT

394
00:19:35,475 --> 00:19:36,643
MY FATHER'S ESTATE.

395
00:19:36,643 --> 00:19:37,677
>> THEN YOU OBVIOUSLY HAVEN'T

396
00:19:37,677 --> 00:19:40,180
SEEN KENLEY PLAY.

397
00:19:40,180 --> 00:19:43,550
>> WELL, I WILL LEAVE YOU

398
00:19:43,550 --> 00:19:44,217
GENTLEMEN TO YOUR DISCOURSE.

399
00:19:44,217 --> 00:19:45,285
GOOD DAY.

400
00:19:45,285 --> 00:19:47,320
>> GOOD DAY.

401
00:19:47,320 --> 00:19:50,256
>> I RESENT THAT INSULTING

402
00:19:50,256 --> 00:19:52,292
REMARK, LORD FETTINGTON, AND I

403
00:19:52,292 --> 00:19:54,294
ASK, SIR, HOW DARE YOU.

404
00:19:54,294 --> 00:19:57,263
>> HE ASKS HIM HOW HE DARES.

405
00:19:57,263 --> 00:19:59,799
>> SUCH AN AFFRONT, ACCORDING TO

406
00:19:59,799 --> 00:20:02,035
THE GENTLEMAN'S CODE, PERMITS ME

407
00:20:02,035 --> 00:20:03,269
TO REMOVE MY GLOVE AND SLAP YOUR

408
00:20:03,269 --> 00:20:07,807
FACE.

409
00:20:07,807 --> 00:20:09,542
>> HOW DARE YOU.

410
00:20:09,542 --> 00:20:13,513
I ASK TWICE, SIR, HOW DARE YOU.

411
00:20:13,513 --> 00:20:14,247
I REBUKE YOU, SIR, AND GIVE IT

412
00:20:14,247 --> 00:20:16,516
TO YOU TWICE.

413
00:20:16,516 --> 00:20:22,389
>> HOW DARE YOU.

414
00:20:22,389 --> 00:20:25,658
I DENY YOUR REBUT THRICEFOLD.

415
00:20:25,658 --> 00:20:26,159
>> HOW DARE YOU.

416
00:20:26,159 --> 00:20:26,659
HOW DARE YOU.

417
00:20:26,659 --> 00:20:27,827
>> HA!

418
00:20:27,827 --> 00:20:28,528
DODGED.

419
00:20:28,528 --> 00:20:30,296
>> HOW DARE YOU!

420
00:20:30,296 --> 00:20:33,266
>> HOW DARE YOU!

421
00:20:33,266 --> 00:20:35,502
HOW TO THE ABSOLUTE DARE YOU!

422
00:20:35,502 --> 00:20:36,803
>> GENTLEMEN, YOU ARE BEGINNING

423
00:20:36,803 --> 00:20:38,271
TO ACT LIKE COMMONERS.

424
00:20:38,271 --> 00:20:41,274
>> HOW DARE YOU!

425
00:20:41,274 --> 00:20:44,778
>> HOW DARE YOU!

426
00:20:44,778 --> 00:20:46,279
>> I AM UNGLOVED AND THEREFORE

427
00:20:46,279 --> 00:20:47,547
UNABLE TO RETORT.

428
00:20:47,547 --> 00:20:48,248
KENLEY, SLAP HIM AS MY PROXY.

429
00:20:48,248 --> 00:20:48,782
>> OF COURSE.

430
00:20:48,782 --> 00:20:49,516
>> HOW DARE YOU!

431
00:20:49,516 --> 00:20:52,385
>> VERY GOOD.

432
00:20:52,385 --> 00:20:54,120
>> GENTLEMEN, STOP!

433
00:20:54,120 --> 00:20:54,921
WE CAN'T LET THIS SILLINESS RUIN

434
00:20:54,921 --> 00:20:56,923
THE AFTERNOON.

435
00:20:56,923 --> 00:20:57,657
WHY DON'T YOU BOTH JUST

436
00:20:57,657 --> 00:20:58,158
APOLOGIZE.

437
00:20:58,158 --> 00:20:59,392
>> APOLOGIZE?

438
00:20:59,392 --> 00:21:00,894
I HAVE DONE NOTHING WRONG, SIR.

439
00:21:00,894 --> 00:21:02,162
HOW DARE YOU.

440
00:21:02,162 --> 00:21:04,397
>> DON'T DO IT.

441
00:21:04,397 --> 00:21:13,173
>> I SLAPPED YOU BECAUSE -- OH!

442
00:21:13,173 --> 00:21:19,379
HOW DARE YOU!

443
00:21:19,379 --> 00:21:20,647
HOW DARE YOU.

444
00:21:20,647 --> 00:21:21,348
YOU SLAPPED ME WITH A CLOSED

445
00:21:21,348 --> 00:21:24,417
FIST!

446
00:21:24,417 --> 00:21:25,151
AND THEREFORE, I'M ALLOWED TO DO

447
00:21:25,151 --> 00:21:26,419
THE SAME.

448
00:21:26,419 --> 00:21:27,921
HOW DARE YOU.

449
00:21:27,921 --> 00:21:30,890
[ LAUGHTER ]

450
00:21:30,890 --> 00:21:31,558
>> ENOUGH!

451
00:21:31,558 --> 00:21:34,160
YOU, SIR, HAVE DISOBEYED THE

452
00:21:34,160 --> 00:21:34,894
GENTLEMAN'S CODE.

453
00:21:34,894 --> 00:21:35,662
SO I AM PERMITTED TO STRIKE YOU

454
00:21:35,662 --> 00:21:36,896
WITH MY CANE.

455
00:21:36,896 --> 00:21:39,733
>> DON'T DO IT.

456
00:21:39,733 --> 00:21:40,433
>> I'M SO SORRY.

457
00:21:40,433 --> 00:21:43,136
[ LAUGHTER ]

458
00:21:43,136 --> 00:21:44,170
>> GENTLEMEN, STOP THIS RABBLE

459
00:21:44,170 --> 00:21:44,904
AT ONCE, THERE ARE CHILDREN

460
00:21:44,904 --> 00:21:46,172
PRESENT.

461
00:21:46,172 --> 00:21:46,740
ARE YOU OKAY, SWEETIE?

462
00:21:46,740 --> 00:21:47,907
>> HOW DARE YOU!

463
00:21:47,907 --> 00:21:49,676
>> OH, MY GOD!

464
00:21:49,676 --> 00:21:50,243
>> HE STRUCK A WOMAN.

465
00:21:50,243 --> 00:21:51,911
>> HOW DARE YOU.

466
00:21:51,911 --> 00:21:57,250
[ LAUGHTER ]

467
00:21:57,250 --> 00:21:57,784
>> THIS MUST CEASE!

468
00:21:57,851 --> 00:21:58,885
LOOK AT THIS WOMAN'S DOG.

469
00:21:58,885 --> 00:21:59,619
THE COMMOTION HAS FRIGHTENED THE

470
00:21:59,619 --> 00:22:01,888
POOR GIRL.

471
00:22:01,888 --> 00:22:02,622
>> CEDE DEFEAT, FETTINGTON, AND

472
00:22:02,622 --> 00:22:04,591
END OUR QUARREL NOW.

473
00:22:04,591 --> 00:22:05,792
>> HA HA!

474
00:22:05,792 --> 00:22:07,060
ARE YOU MAD?

475
00:22:07,060 --> 00:22:08,061
LORD FETTINGTON WOULD NEVER BEND

476
00:22:08,061 --> 00:22:12,065
HIS KNEE SIMPLY TO APPEASE A

477
00:22:12,065 --> 00:22:16,069
FRIGHTENED LITTLE --

478
00:22:16,069 --> 00:22:16,770
HOW DARE YOU!

479
00:22:16,770 --> 00:22:18,772
>> NO --

480
00:22:18,772 --> 00:22:22,409
>> HOW DARE --

481
00:22:22,409 --> 00:22:23,076
>> YEP, IT SEEMS I HAVE

482
00:22:23,076 --> 00:22:24,077
[ BLEEP ] MYSELF.

483
00:22:24,077 --> 00:22:24,744
I CEDE DEFEAT.

484
00:22:24,744 --> 00:22:25,278
WELL DONE.

485
00:22:25,278 --> 00:22:26,279
>> GLAD THAT'S SETTLED.

486
00:22:26,279 --> 00:22:28,314
NOW IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME, I HAVE

487
00:22:28,314 --> 00:22:29,716
TO RETRIEVE MY SON WHO I KICKED

488
00:22:29,716 --> 00:22:30,717
ACROSS THE PARK.

489
00:22:30,717 --> 00:22:31,217
>> HOW DARE YOU.

490
00:22:31,217 --> 00:22:32,285
I'M KIDDING.

491
00:22:32,285 --> 00:22:33,453
GOOD DAY.

492
00:22:33,453 --> 00:22:36,823
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

493
00:22:40,927 --> 00:22:42,862
Well,

494
00:22:42,862 --> 00:22:45,398
first
you take me to dinner like this,

495
00:22:45,398 --> 00:22:48,601
and then you take me to the same
ice rink with we first met.

496
00:22:48,601 --> 00:22:51,237
I mean, this is the perfect
first year anniversary,

497
00:22:51,237 --> 00:22:56,409
and I haven't even proposed yet.
Wait, what?

498
00:22:56,409 --> 00:22:59,879
Candace Lorraine Dugan,

499
00:22:59,879 --> 00:23:01,314
will you marry me?

500
00:23:01,314 --> 00:23:03,850
Oh my God.

501
00:23:03,850 --> 00:23:05,852
Casper.

502
00:23:05,852 --> 00:23:08,388
I'm sorry, I can't.

503
00:23:08,388 --> 00:23:12,592
Why? I'm having so much fun.
Danny.

504
00:23:12,592 --> 00:23:15,962
I'm so glad.

505
00:23:15,962 --> 00:23:18,264
I can't say yes right
now. Bryce.

506
00:23:18,264 --> 00:23:22,769
Danny, wait up fast, folks.

507
00:23:22,769 --> 00:23:24,170
Why can't you say yes?

508
00:23:24,170 --> 00:23:26,806
I don't know, it
just doesn't feel right yet.

509
00:23:26,806 --> 00:23:30,810
You guys,
you guys look, our little plane.

510
00:23:30,810 --> 00:23:33,279
I mean,
do you think that we're ready?

511
00:23:33,279 --> 00:23:36,583
Hey, I know you.

512
00:23:36,583 --> 00:23:38,985
Get back here.

513
00:23:38,985 --> 00:23:41,921
Please say something. Casper.

514
00:23:41,921 --> 00:23:45,258
Those three men are having
the best time.

515
00:23:45,258 --> 00:23:45,792
What?

516
00:23:45,792 --> 00:23:46,526
Those guys.

517
00:23:47,093 --> 00:23:49,829
I've never seen grown men having
such, like, genuine, pure fun.

518
00:23:49,829 --> 00:23:51,865
Like, how old are they?

519
00:23:51,865 --> 00:23:53,767
This train lost its caboose.

520
00:23:53,767 --> 00:23:57,704
Danny, why did you let go?
Because I was laughing too much.

521
00:23:57,704 --> 00:24:01,675
God, I love being in my 40s.

522
00:24:01,675 --> 00:24:03,710
They're in their 40s.

523
00:24:03,710 --> 00:24:06,379
Okay. I'm so glad that's what
you're focused on right now.

524
00:24:06,379 --> 00:24:07,847
Sorry if I'm a little scattered.

525
00:24:07,847 --> 00:24:09,716
Candace, you just told me
you didn't love me.

526
00:24:09,716 --> 00:24:10,250
Stop it.

527
00:24:10,316 --> 00:24:16,389
You know that I love you.

528
00:24:16,389 --> 00:24:18,692
And I know I'm
going to be with you forever.

529
00:24:18,692 --> 00:24:21,227
Oh, I feel so free.

530
00:24:21,227 --> 00:24:25,932
I feel like
Alyssa Liu right now

531
00:24:25,932 --> 00:24:29,202
I just don't know if I'm ready
to start forever. Right now.

532
00:24:29,202 --> 00:24:34,441
Whoa, whoa. Such a girlfriend.

533
00:24:34,441 --> 00:24:35,809
Sorry. What did you say?

534
00:24:35,809 --> 00:24:38,078
See? See,
this is what I'm talking about.

535
00:24:38,078 --> 00:24:40,080
I'm always fighting
for your attention.

536
00:24:40,080 --> 00:24:43,249
I'm sorry I can't get a read
on these guys.

537
00:24:43,249 --> 00:24:46,386
Best bachelor party ever.

538
00:24:46,386 --> 00:24:48,455
This is a bachelor party.

539
00:24:48,455 --> 00:24:51,324
I cannot believe you right
now. Candace!

540
00:24:51,324 --> 00:24:55,495
Come on, don't cry. Oh, my gosh,
you guys.

541
00:24:55,495 --> 00:24:58,198
Look who finally showed up.

542
00:24:58,198 --> 00:25:02,035
Hudson!

543
00:25:22,422 --> 00:25:23,757
so glad you're here.

544
00:25:23,757 --> 00:25:29,362
I know, it's pretty great. Hey,
sorry I'm late, fellas,

545
00:25:29,362 --> 00:25:31,498
but I have a serious question.

546
00:25:31,498 --> 00:25:34,334
Yeah.

547
00:25:34,334 --> 00:25:38,238
Who's ready
to skate their butts off?

548
00:25:38,238 --> 00:25:40,273
Huntsman's hilarious.

549
00:25:40,273 --> 00:25:42,075
And a lot of my issues
are my own.

550
00:25:42,075 --> 00:25:42,609
Like,

551
00:25:42,942 --> 00:25:44,744
sometimes I think
that I don't deserve you,

552
00:25:44,744 --> 00:25:48,248
and you've just got so much on
your plate, it's like, who am I?

553
00:25:48,248 --> 00:25:49,683
You know

554
00:25:49,683 --> 00:25:50,583
what?

555
00:25:50,583 --> 00:25:54,854
Come on. Ride that
train and ride it.

556
00:25:54,854 --> 00:26:00,026
I've never felt so cool.

557
00:26:00,026 --> 00:26:01,394
How is that even possible?

558
00:26:01,394 --> 00:26:03,530
I don't know, it's
just how I feel.

559
00:26:03,530 --> 00:26:04,698
No, I. Sorry.

560
00:26:04,698 --> 00:26:06,833
I meant, like, how is ice
skating in a four person train

561
00:26:06,833 --> 00:26:07,534
the coolest that

562
00:26:07,767 --> 00:26:10,537
that guy has ever felt. Stop
using those guys

563
00:26:10,537 --> 00:26:13,707
as a distraction
and talk to me, Caspar.

564
00:26:13,707 --> 00:26:18,211
I stay like an Egyptian and.

565
00:26:18,211 --> 00:26:20,847
Okay, that's going viral.

566
00:26:20,847 --> 00:26:24,451
You guys are going to be famous.

567
00:26:24,451 --> 00:26:25,618
Tell me.

568
00:26:25,618 --> 00:26:28,355
Tell me what you're thinking
right now. And please be honest.

569
00:26:28,355 --> 00:26:31,658
I mean, honestly,
I'm thinking that there's

570
00:26:31,658 --> 00:26:35,762
no way the Egyptian thing goes
viral, right?

571
00:26:35,762 --> 00:26:38,865
Oh, okay. Okay. Good bye.
Caspar. Candace, wait.

572
00:26:38,865 --> 00:26:40,567
Okay. You're right. I'm sorry.

573
00:26:40,567 --> 00:26:43,903
I have felt distracted,
but we can work through it.

574
00:26:43,903 --> 00:26:46,940
Back where? It's back.
All right.

575
00:26:46,940 --> 00:26:49,242
Oh, my God,
we're backwards again.

576
00:26:49,242 --> 00:26:50,877
You guys slow down.

577
00:26:50,877 --> 00:26:52,946
If I fall, Kendrick
Lamar is literally going

578
00:26:52,946 --> 00:26:56,082
to need
to find himself a new producer.

579
00:26:56,082 --> 00:26:58,818
I don't understand,

580
00:26:58,818 --> 00:26:59,252
right?

581
00:26:59,252 --> 00:27:00,020
Like,

582
00:27:00,420 --> 00:27:04,424
how is that guy in any way
associated with Kendrick Lamar?

583
00:27:04,424 --> 00:27:07,927
I'm not talking
about those guys.

584
00:27:07,927 --> 00:27:09,929
You know what?

585
00:27:09,929 --> 00:27:11,831
Maybe this is a sign.

586
00:27:11,831 --> 00:27:15,702
Maybe what? We both actually
need is some time apart.

587
00:27:15,702 --> 00:27:19,072
Okay. Sounds good.
I'm gonna hang with these guys.

588
00:27:19,072 --> 00:27:21,675
I have
to figure out their secret.

589
00:27:21,675 --> 00:27:24,411
Our secret? One word.

590
00:27:24,411 --> 00:27:29,282
Tag. 0h!!

591
00:27:43,329 --> 00:27:45,231
Okay, so

592
00:27:45,231 --> 00:27:47,067
if I'm in a party
and there are five chicks

593
00:27:47,067 --> 00:27:50,270
I like and four of them leave,

594
00:27:50,270 --> 00:27:53,139
then I have one chick remaining.

595
00:27:53,139 --> 00:27:56,743
Oh, yes. Dude,
you just nailed some traction.

596
00:27:56,743 --> 00:28:00,280
Well, I got it because you
put it in terms I understand.

597
00:28:00,280 --> 00:28:03,850
Hot as chicas.

598
00:28:03,850 --> 00:28:09,889
Hey, turkeys,
can I say something?

599
00:28:09,889 --> 00:28:12,225
Look, I know
we got off on the wrong foot.

600
00:28:12,225 --> 00:28:14,728
With all those pranks
I pulled on you.

601
00:28:14,728 --> 00:28:16,429
Like when I put peanut butter
on your crack

602
00:28:16,429 --> 00:28:19,399
and unleashed a pack of dogs or.

603
00:28:19,399 --> 00:28:21,601
Or when I pantsed you
at the dance

604
00:28:21,601 --> 00:28:24,871
and started playing your ass
cheeks like bongos.

605
00:28:24,871 --> 00:28:30,643
That was funny. Yeah. Yeah.
Point is, I was wrong about you.

606
00:28:30,643 --> 00:28:32,045
You're
not such a dweeb after all.

607
00:28:32,045 --> 00:28:35,548
Turkeys. You know what?

608
00:28:35,548 --> 00:28:38,852
Come sit next to me at lunch
tomorrow. Are you.

609
00:28:38,852 --> 00:28:43,156
Are you serious with the cool
kids? Yeah.

610
00:28:43,156 --> 00:28:44,391
I'd be honored.

611
00:28:44,391 --> 00:28:46,226
Of course.

612
00:28:46,226 --> 00:28:51,097
Oh. And
bring your good sandwich.

613
00:28:51,097 --> 00:28:58,138
Bye. Bye. Wow.

614
00:28:58,138 --> 00:29:00,140
Wait, P.J.,
before you go, there's

615
00:29:00,140 --> 00:29:02,375
something I wanted to show you.

616
00:29:02,375 --> 00:29:02,575
Yeah.

617
00:29:02,709 --> 00:29:02,909
What's up?

618
00:29:03,009 --> 00:29:08,915
Dude?

619
00:29:17,757 --> 00:29:20,360
Thank you
for coming to my house.

620
00:29:20,360 --> 00:29:23,797
Thank you
for coming to my house.

621
00:29:23,797 --> 00:29:28,368
I don't.

622
00:29:28,368 --> 00:29:30,737
Thank you
for coming to my house.

623
00:29:30,737 --> 00:29:33,406
You got a fat ass
like Mickey Mouse.

624
00:29:33,406 --> 00:29:36,076
You're gonna like
being friends with me.

625
00:29:36,076 --> 00:29:38,645
Maybe
we can even start a family.

626
00:29:38,645 --> 00:29:41,314
Maybe
we can even start a family.

627
00:29:41,314 --> 00:29:44,050
Maybe
we can even start a family.

628
00:29:44,050 --> 00:29:45,051
Thank you, thank you, thank you,

629
00:29:45,185 --> 00:29:48,655
thank you, thank you, thank you,
thank you. I love you, P.J..

630
00:29:52,325 --> 00:29:54,627
Yeah.

631
00:29:54,627 --> 00:29:58,198
Oh, thanks.

632
00:29:58,198 --> 00:30:02,335
Thank
you for coming to my house.

633
00:30:02,335 --> 00:30:03,670
So, see you at lunch tomorrow.

634
00:30:03,670 --> 00:30:08,274
Bring my good sandwich.

635
00:30:08,274 --> 00:30:10,777
No, no, I,

636
00:30:10,777 --> 00:30:15,181
I forgot to have lunch
at another school tomorrow.

637
00:30:15,181 --> 00:30:17,550
Maybe next year.

638
00:30:17,550 --> 00:30:20,887
Was it the song?

639
00:30:20,887 --> 00:30:22,522
Kind of.

640
00:30:22,522 --> 00:30:22,889
Yeah.

641
00:30:23,289 --> 00:30:24,057
The whole thing
made me feel like

642
00:30:24,057 --> 00:30:28,695
my head was being held
underwater.

643
00:30:28,695 --> 00:30:30,263
Hey, sunshine. How you doing?

644
00:30:30,263 --> 00:30:32,132
Oh, PJ.

645
00:30:32,132 --> 00:30:36,770
Oh. Coolest kid in school.

646
00:30:36,770 --> 00:30:38,271
Oh, it's so great
to see you here.

647
00:30:38,271 --> 00:30:40,640
I'm actually glad you're
still here, because, well,

648
00:30:40,640 --> 00:30:42,308
my wife and I just wanted to

649
00:30:42,308 --> 00:30:44,110
thank you for spending some time
with that boy.

650
00:30:44,110 --> 00:30:44,744
Yeah. Yeah.

651
00:30:45,245 --> 00:30:47,781
Ever since, the diagnosis
last summer, things have just.

652
00:30:47,781 --> 00:30:51,651
I'm so sorry. Things
have just been hard for him, so.

653
00:30:51,651 --> 00:30:55,755
Whoa. Diagnosis. I know Dr.
Chris was sick.

654
00:30:55,755 --> 00:31:02,495
Yeah, yeah, he has long cold,
like, just a very long cold. So,

655
00:31:02,495 --> 00:31:04,731
anyway, PJ,
it's been a struggle for Fergus,

656
00:31:04,731 --> 00:31:08,835
and this means a lot to us.
Yes. Jeez.

657
00:31:08,835 --> 00:31:10,970
Now I feel bad.

658
00:31:10,970 --> 00:31:14,374
Dirk, listen.

659
00:31:14,374 --> 00:31:16,609
I shouldn't have judged
your song.

660
00:31:16,609 --> 00:31:20,113
You were just trying to express
yourself and pursue greatness.

661
00:31:20,113 --> 00:31:23,316
And as Timothy
Charlemagne recently taught us.

662
00:31:23,316 --> 00:31:26,119
That's cool. Now,

663
00:31:26,119 --> 00:31:28,488
for the first time ever.

664
00:31:28,488 --> 00:31:32,392
And as that ice skating girl
with the striped hair taught us,

665
00:31:32,392 --> 00:31:37,831
you can still be a baddy even
if you're a little cracked up.

666
00:31:37,831 --> 00:31:41,201
Look.

667
00:31:41,201 --> 00:31:43,636
What I'm trying to say is,

668
00:31:43,636 --> 00:31:49,943
come sit with me at lunch
tomorrow. Bye.

669
00:31:49,943 --> 00:31:51,678
You mean it?

670
00:31:51,678 --> 00:31:55,548
Yeah. And, hey,
bring you your good sandwich.

671
00:31:55,548 --> 00:31:57,117
Oh. It's great.

672
00:31:57,117 --> 00:32:05,892
P.J.,
can we just say before you go?

673
00:32:05,892 --> 00:32:08,328
Thank you for eating lunch
with our son.

674
00:32:08,328 --> 00:32:11,131
Thank you for eating lunch
with our son.

675
00:32:11,131 --> 00:32:13,767
He's a weird kid.
And you're a hunk.

676
00:32:13,767 --> 00:32:16,369
Thank you
for eating lunch with our son.

677
00:32:16,369 --> 00:32:17,704
Thank you, thank you, thank you,
thank you,

678
00:32:17,704 --> 00:32:19,372
thank you, thank you, thank you,
thank you.

679
00:32:19,372 --> 00:32:20,707
We're in love with you, PJ.

680
00:32:25,578 --> 00:32:27,080
Guys, I'm not going to lie.

681
00:32:27,080 --> 00:32:27,981
Y'all are one of the weirdest

682
00:32:27,981 --> 00:32:30,483
families
I've ever met in my life.

683
00:32:30,483 --> 00:32:33,553
And it freaks me out
that you all have red hair.

684
00:32:33,553 --> 00:32:35,155
It's like you're
trying to preserve a community

685
00:32:35,155 --> 00:32:37,090
or something.

686
00:32:37,090 --> 00:32:43,396
He's onto us.

687
00:32:43,396 --> 00:32:44,264
You know.

688
00:32:44,264 --> 00:32:47,300
But then I realized something.

689
00:32:47,300 --> 00:32:51,771
Sometimes being weird
is the coolest thing there is.

690
00:32:51,771 --> 00:32:54,474
Look, you don't need to come
sit with me, turkeys,

691
00:32:54,474 --> 00:32:58,111
cause
I'm going to come sit with you.

692
00:32:58,111 --> 00:33:04,117
And, hey,
bring you good sandwich.

693
00:33:05,952 --> 00:33:08,621
Thank you for letting me
come to your house.

694
00:33:08,621 --> 00:33:11,191
I could kiss you.
All right. On the mouth.

695
00:33:11,191 --> 00:33:12,492
Thank you,
thank you, thank you, thank you,

696
00:33:12,492 --> 00:33:13,793
thank you,
thank you, thank you, thank you.

697
00:33:35,749 --> 00:33:36,850
>>> LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

698
00:33:36,850 --> 00:33:37,951
MUMFORD and SONS!

699
00:33:37,951 --> 00:33:41,087
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

700
00:33:41,087 --> 00:33:42,255
♪♪

701
00:33:42,255 --> 00:33:48,561
♪♪

702
00:33:48,561 --> 00:33:51,097
♪ WHEN YOU CAN'T WIN

703
00:33:51,097 --> 00:33:52,565
FOR LOSING

704
00:33:52,565 --> 00:33:54,567
AND THE BEGGARS

705
00:33:54,567 --> 00:33:56,102
START CHOOSING ♪

706
00:33:56,102 --> 00:33:59,739
♪ THE CHAOS IN YOUR HEAD

707
00:33:59,739 --> 00:34:01,174
CAUSE THE CRACKS

708
00:34:01,174 --> 00:34:03,677
TO START SHOWING ♪

709
00:34:03,677 --> 00:34:05,412
♪ ALL KNOWING, ALL GLOWING

710
00:34:05,412 --> 00:34:10,917
WITH THE LIGHT OF THE

711
00:34:10,917 --> 00:34:16,423
DYING TO RAISE THE DEAD OH ♪

712
00:34:16,423 --> 00:34:19,192
♪ YOU'RE A WORLD AWAY

713
00:34:19,192 --> 00:34:21,394
BUT YOU'RE STILL THE SAME ♪

714
00:34:21,394 --> 00:34:22,429
♪ I KNOW YOU BY YOUR HEART

715
00:34:22,429 --> 00:34:22,896
I WILL CALL YOU

716
00:34:22,896 --> 00:34:25,899
BY YOUR NAME ♪

717
00:34:25,899 --> 00:34:27,934
♪ AND IT'S A LONG WAY

718
00:34:27,934 --> 00:34:29,936
FROM THE CRACK

719
00:34:29,936 --> 00:34:30,970
TO THE BREAK ♪

720
00:34:30,970 --> 00:34:32,172
♪ YOU KNOW THAT

721
00:34:32,172 --> 00:34:35,942
I REMEMBER EVERYTHING ♪

722
00:34:35,942 --> 00:34:43,917
♪♪

723
00:34:43,917 --> 00:34:46,686
♪ STEADY YOURSELF

724
00:34:46,686 --> 00:34:48,455
AND YOUR TUMBLEWEED WORDS

725
00:34:48,455 --> 00:34:49,422
BE A STREET CORNER

726
00:34:49,422 --> 00:34:50,657
PREACHER ♪

727
00:34:50,657 --> 00:34:53,193
♪ OR JUST FEED THE BIRDS

728
00:34:53,193 --> 00:34:55,428
BUT DON'T HOLD TO YOURSELF

729
00:34:55,428 --> 00:34:57,430
WITH HARD MORTAR AND STONE ♪

730
00:34:57,430 --> 00:34:59,699
♪ BE A RUBBER BAND MAN

731
00:34:59,699 --> 00:35:04,671
MAKE THE WATER YOUR BONES ♪

732
00:35:04,671 --> 00:35:11,811
♪ DYING JUST TO LIVE

733
00:35:11,811 --> 00:35:13,046
NOW YOU'RE A WORLD AWAY

734
00:35:13,046 --> 00:35:16,049
BUT YOU'RE STILL THE SAME ♪

735
00:35:16,049 --> 00:35:17,317
♪ I KNOW YOU BY YOUR HEART

736
00:35:17,317 --> 00:35:18,818
AND I WILL CALL YOU

737
00:35:18,818 --> 00:35:20,553
BY YOUR NAME ♪

738
00:35:20,553 --> 00:35:22,555
♪ AND IT'S A LONG WAY

739
00:35:22,555 --> 00:35:23,790
FROM THE CRACK

740
00:35:23,790 --> 00:35:26,559
TO THE BREAK ♪

741
00:35:26,559 --> 00:35:27,560
♪ YOU KNOW THAT

742
00:35:27,560 --> 00:35:30,296
I REMEMBER EVERYTHING ♪

743
00:35:30,296 --> 00:35:31,331
♪ WHEN I SAID FOREVER

744
00:35:31,331 --> 00:35:32,532
YOU SAID

745
00:35:32,532 --> 00:35:34,567
GET BACK IN THE CAR ♪

746
00:35:34,567 --> 00:35:35,802
♪ NOTHING LASTS FOREVER BABE

747
00:35:35,802 --> 00:35:36,803
YOU KNOW IT

748
00:35:36,803 --> 00:35:43,076
BREAKS MY HEART ♪

749
00:35:43,076 --> 00:35:46,546
♪ AND I'LL CALL YOU ANYTHING

750
00:35:46,546 --> 00:35:55,288
THAT YOU LIKE ♪

751
00:35:55,288 --> 00:36:00,026
♪ I AM FREE AND I'M ABLE

752
00:36:00,026 --> 00:36:03,329
TO CALL YOU THE

753
00:36:03,329 --> 00:36:12,305
SECOND THAT YOU DIE ♪

754
00:36:12,305 --> 00:36:16,309
♪ JUST TO LIVE NOW

755
00:36:16,309 --> 00:36:17,077
YOU'RE A WORLD AWAY

756
00:36:17,077 --> 00:36:19,546
BUT YOU'RE STILL THE SAME ♪

757
00:36:19,546 --> 00:36:20,814
♪ I KNOW YOU BY YOUR HEART

758
00:36:20,814 --> 00:36:22,082
AND I WILL CALL YOU

759
00:36:22,082 --> 00:36:23,783
BY YOUR NAME ♪

760
00:36:23,783 --> 00:36:25,819
♪ AND IT'S A LONG WAY

761
00:36:25,819 --> 00:36:31,358
FROM THE CRACK

762
00:36:31,358 --> 00:36:32,292
TO THE BREAK ♪

763
00:36:32,292 --> 00:36:33,059
♪ YOU KNOW THAT

764
00:36:33,059 --> 00:36:34,060
I REMEMBER EVERYTHING ♪

765
00:36:34,060 --> 00:36:35,061
♪ WHEN I SAID FOREVER

766
00:36:35,061 --> 00:36:36,296
YOU SAID

767
00:36:36,296 --> 00:36:38,298
GET BACK IN THE CAR ♪

768
00:36:38,298 --> 00:36:40,300
♪ NOTHING LASTS FOREVER BABE

769
00:36:40,300 --> 00:36:41,301
YOU KNOW IT

770
00:36:41,301 --> 00:36:43,069
BREAKS MY HEART ♪

771
00:36:43,069 --> 00:36:46,573
♪ YOU'RE A WORLD AWAY

772
00:36:46,573 --> 00:36:48,074
BUT YOU'RE STILL THE SAME ♪

773
00:36:48,074 --> 00:36:49,075
♪ YOU KNOW THAT

774
00:36:49,075 --> 00:36:53,546
I REMEMBER EVERYTHING ♪

775
00:36:53,546 --> 00:36:54,547
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

776
00:36:54,547 --> 00:37:00,086
♪♪

777
00:37:00,086 --> 00:37:01,054
♪ NEW INK ON YOUR SKIN

778
00:37:01,054 --> 00:37:02,088
RED LIPS IN THE DARK ♪

779
00:37:02,088 --> 00:37:03,056
♪ NOTHING LASTS FOREVER BABE

780
00:37:03,056 --> 00:37:03,823
YOU KNOW IT

781
00:37:03,823 --> 00:37:05,792
BREAKS MY HEART ♪

782
00:37:05,792 --> 00:37:07,794
♪ PUT A SHIVER ON YOUR SKIN

783
00:37:07,794 --> 00:37:10,563
DO YOUR HAIR IN THE CAR ♪

784
00:37:10,563 --> 00:37:11,297
♪ IF NOTHING LASTS

785
00:37:11,297 --> 00:37:14,434
FOREVER BABE

786
00:37:14,434 --> 00:37:16,536
CAN WE MAKE A START ♪♪

787
00:37:16,536 --> 00:37:25,512
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

788
00:37:39,292 --> 00:37:45,298
It's Weekend Update with Colin
Jost and Michael Che.

789
00:37:50,804 --> 00:37:52,305
Good evening everyone.

790
00:37:52,305 --> 00:37:53,973
Welcome the weekend update I'm
Michael che.

791
00:37:53,973 --> 00:37:57,877
I'm Colin Jost.

792
00:37:57,877 --> 00:37:59,679
Well, guys,
I'm starting to worry

793
00:37:59,679 --> 00:38:03,483
that President Trump
might not win that peace prize

794
00:38:03,483 --> 00:38:06,586
after launching a massive
military strike against Iran.

795
00:38:06,586 --> 00:38:09,289
Trump announced hours ago
that they officially killed

796
00:38:09,289 --> 00:38:11,891
the Supreme
Leader, Ayatollah Ali Khamenei,

797
00:38:11,891 --> 00:38:18,765
and replaced him with, oh
my God, the guy from Venezuela.

798
00:38:18,765 --> 00:38:21,067
This attack might be a bad idea.

799
00:38:21,067 --> 00:38:23,737
I don't know, I'm
not really an expert on Iran.

800
00:38:23,737 --> 00:38:25,739
So let's hear
from someone who can explain

801
00:38:25,739 --> 00:38:28,041
why we might have done it.

802
00:38:28,041 --> 00:38:31,111
The president is good

803
00:38:31,111 --> 00:38:39,052
because he has absolutely
no influence.

804
00:38:39,052 --> 00:38:40,787
Yeah.

805
00:38:40,787 --> 00:38:41,888
Yeah.

806
00:38:41,888 --> 00:38:47,761
See, now that's the Trump
I voted for.

807
00:38:47,761 --> 00:38:51,231
Detractors on CNN are saying
that Trump had no authorization

808
00:38:51,231 --> 00:38:56,136
for this war, but he actually
did. Netanyahu said it was okay.

809
00:38:56,136 --> 00:38:58,438
I can't believe our
leader could just attack Iran

810
00:38:58,438 --> 00:39:01,041
with no vote, no permission
from Congress or anything.

811
00:39:01,041 --> 00:39:07,147
I mean, what is this Iran?

812
00:39:07,147 --> 00:39:09,349
President Trump's State
of the Union address this week

813
00:39:09,349 --> 00:39:18,692
was the longest in history,
lasting almost two full diapers.

814
00:39:18,692 --> 00:39:20,460
During the state of the Union
address,

815
00:39:20,460 --> 00:39:22,729
President Trump said,
our nation is back

816
00:39:22,729 --> 00:39:25,732
bigger, better
and stronger than ever before.

817
00:39:25,732 --> 00:39:30,337
Same said, the measles.

818
00:39:30,337 --> 00:39:30,804
The U.S.

819
00:39:31,037 --> 00:39:32,539
women's hockey team turned down

820
00:39:32,539 --> 00:39:36,543
President Trump's invitation
to attend.

821
00:39:36,543 --> 00:39:39,112
You clap

822
00:39:39,112 --> 00:39:45,652
But that only made Trump
want the more.

823
00:39:45,652 --> 00:39:48,254
President Trump angrily claimed
that Minnesota

824
00:39:48,254 --> 00:39:50,790
has been ransacked
by Somali pirates.

825
00:39:50,790 --> 00:39:56,796
But that's only because Trump's
kind of an “ARR” word.

826
00:39:59,165 --> 00:40:01,067
Andrew Mountbatten Windsor,

827
00:40:01,067 --> 00:40:07,307
the former
prince and current River corpse.

828
00:40:07,307 --> 00:40:10,510
Has been arrested
and now may be banned from ever

829
00:40:10,510 --> 00:40:11,745
taking the throne.

830
00:40:11,745 --> 00:40:14,914
In fact, the royal family said
the only way he can become king

831
00:40:14,914 --> 00:40:17,550
is if it comes
down to either him or Meghan.

832
00:40:22,489 --> 00:40:24,424
Hillary
Clinton testified this week

833
00:40:24,424 --> 00:40:25,291
and said she

834
00:40:25,358 --> 00:40:27,994
confident that Bill Clinton
had no knowledge

835
00:40:27,994 --> 00:40:29,596
of Jeffrey Epstein's crimes,

836
00:40:29,596 --> 00:40:30,196
though

837
00:40:30,430 --> 00:40:32,565
there is an outside chance
that Hillary

838
00:40:32,565 --> 00:40:36,903
sometimes doesn't know
what her husband is up to.

839
00:40:36,903 --> 00:40:38,605
It was reported
that Jeffrey Epstein

840
00:40:38,605 --> 00:40:41,241
hid photographs in secret
storage lockers

841
00:40:41,241 --> 00:40:42,609
across the country,

842
00:40:42,609 --> 00:40:44,210
but I guess he had to take a lot

843
00:40:44,210 --> 00:40:51,584
of pictures
because kids grow up so fast.

844
00:40:51,584 --> 00:40:56,389
What is this, Iran

845
00:40:56,389 --> 00:40:58,625
Researchers
have developed a new nasal

846
00:40:58,625 --> 00:41:00,794
spray vaccine
that can protect people

847
00:41:00,794 --> 00:41:04,230
against the flu, Covid
and other respiratory diseases.

848
00:41:04,230 --> 00:41:06,399
But to get it approved by RFK

849
00:41:06,399 --> 00:41:11,604
they're calling it
shark testicle creatine.

850
00:41:11,604 --> 00:41:14,307
During a Black History Month
event at the white House,

851
00:41:14,307 --> 00:41:16,843
President Trump
defended himself from criticism

852
00:41:16,843 --> 00:41:20,413
that he is racist
by listing his black friends,

853
00:41:20,413 --> 00:41:24,284
including Nicki Minaj,
Jim Brown and Mike Tyson.

854
00:41:24,284 --> 00:41:26,152
Wow, that's
two more than you Colin

855
00:41:32,192 --> 00:41:33,793
Cool.

856
00:41:34,260 --> 00:41:36,629
Well, we have a lot of news
to cover this week.

857
00:41:36,629 --> 00:41:37,397
So here to provide

858
00:41:37,797 --> 00:41:44,337
a recap of some headlines
is Beth's maid of honor, Katie.

859
00:41:44,337 --> 00:41:46,806
Hello? Hi.

860
00:41:46,806 --> 00:41:50,410
For those of you who don't know
me, my name is Katie.

861
00:41:50,410 --> 00:41:54,247
And for those of you
who do know me, I'm sorry,

862
00:41:54,247 --> 00:41:56,449
but seriously,

863
00:41:56,449 --> 00:41:58,218
I'm not here to talk about Beth.

864
00:41:58,218 --> 00:42:01,054
Her Scrabble
addiction, her dog Skittles,

865
00:42:01,054 --> 00:42:04,424
or her
best friend turned husband Cody

866
00:42:04,424 --> 00:42:06,092
forgot to do.

867
00:42:06,092 --> 00:42:08,061
No. I'm here to talk about

868
00:42:08,061 --> 00:42:13,166
the wave of narco terrorism
caused by the Mexican cartel.

869
00:42:13,166 --> 00:42:14,067
Oh, okay. Yeah.

870
00:42:14,067 --> 00:42:15,635
Good.
Diving right into the news.

871
00:42:15,635 --> 00:42:17,537
Yes, but seriously,

872
00:42:17,537 --> 00:42:20,073
El Macho,
Mexico's most wanted man

873
00:42:20,073 --> 00:42:24,477
and leader of the drug cartel,
was killed on Sunday or as Beth

874
00:42:24,477 --> 00:42:27,647
and I like to call it,
bottomless mimosa today.

875
00:42:27,647 --> 00:42:32,085
Cody, cover your ears. No,
but seriously, after him.

876
00:42:32,085 --> 00:42:33,086
And just like

877
00:42:33,086 --> 00:42:35,889
the whole new generation
cartel unleashed

878
00:42:35,889 --> 00:42:37,691
a wave of violence across

879
00:42:37,691 --> 00:42:41,194
Mexico, attacking citizens,
setting vehicles

880
00:42:41,194 --> 00:42:44,230
ablaze, and turning the city
into a ghost town.

881
00:42:44,230 --> 00:42:47,100
A ghost town,
and more like Cody cited

882
00:42:47,100 --> 00:42:49,536
the church during the ceremony.
Sorry, Cody.

883
00:42:49,536 --> 00:42:54,274
You guys all
family? No, but seriously,

884
00:42:54,274 --> 00:42:56,209
I mean,
this all seems very serious.

885
00:42:56,209 --> 00:42:56,976
I'm sorry. Katie, wait.

886
00:42:57,177 --> 00:42:58,411
I don't think
this is the most appropriate way

887
00:42:58,411 --> 00:43:00,947
to talk about some of this news.
Hell, yeah.

888
00:43:00,947 --> 00:43:05,685
Now let's leave the mood with a
little walk down memory lane.

889
00:43:05,685 --> 00:43:06,653
That's right.

890
00:43:06,653 --> 00:43:08,254
I'm talking about that steam
file.

891
00:43:08,254 --> 00:43:11,925
No, no, no,
you guys, the new emails

892
00:43:11,925 --> 00:43:15,128
publish the names of over
20,000 individuals.

893
00:43:15,128 --> 00:43:17,530
Kind of sounds like
the invite list for tonight.

894
00:43:17,530 --> 00:43:19,632
Sorry about that.

895
00:43:19,632 --> 00:43:22,302
No, seriously,

896
00:43:22,302 --> 00:43:25,705
I found it on Google
that I really love.

897
00:43:25,705 --> 00:43:26,740
When you're in jail,

898
00:43:26,740 --> 00:43:28,942
a good friend
will try to bail you out,

899
00:43:28,942 --> 00:43:32,746
but a best friend will be in
a cell next to you staying down.

900
00:43:32,746 --> 00:43:34,614
That was fun.

901
00:43:34,614 --> 00:43:37,584
And I think that pretty much
describes me and Beth,

902
00:43:37,584 --> 00:43:41,221
but also Jeffrey Epstein
and Prince Andrew. Okay.

903
00:43:41,221 --> 00:43:41,621
All right.

904
00:43:41,821 --> 00:43:43,523
We could maybe move past.

905
00:43:43,523 --> 00:43:46,126
Have seen you have a lighter
stories, maybe at the Olympics.

906
00:43:46,126 --> 00:43:49,162
You want to talk about that?
Hell, yeah. Yeah.

907
00:43:49,162 --> 00:43:52,999
Every four years, nations
gather for the Olympics.

908
00:43:52,999 --> 00:43:54,200
Which reminds me.

909
00:43:54,200 --> 00:43:59,406
The war in Ukraine rages
on. It on its four year mark.

910
00:43:59,406 --> 00:44:02,442
Four years.

911
00:44:02,442 --> 00:44:05,645
That's how long it took
Cody to define the relationship.

912
00:44:05,645 --> 00:44:07,447
Oh, okay. That's pretty good.

913
00:44:07,447 --> 00:44:11,685
But seriously,
that's maid of honor. Everyone

914
00:44:11,685 --> 00:44:14,254
treat her right, Cody.

915
00:44:17,457 --> 00:44:20,360
A former Olympic
athlete who promoted the run

916
00:44:20,360 --> 00:44:24,631
walk, run strategy to running,
has died at the age of 80.

917
00:44:24,631 --> 00:44:33,740
Cause of death was listed as run
walk bus.

918
00:44:33,740 --> 00:44:36,876
Paramount has won the bidding
war to take over Warner Brothers

919
00:44:36,876 --> 00:44:40,680
Discovery after Netflix decided
to not submit another offer.

920
00:44:40,680 --> 00:44:44,084
Instead, Netflix spent an hour
scrolling around for a new offer

921
00:44:44,084 --> 00:44:47,721
before giving up
and going to bed.

922
00:44:47,721 --> 00:44:50,423
A photo from The Epstein
Files has gone viral,

923
00:44:50,423 --> 00:44:53,360
showing the late physicist
Stephen Hawking

924
00:44:53,360 --> 00:44:55,995
lying
between two women in bikinis.

925
00:44:55,995 --> 00:44:57,797
Which brings me to my segment.

926
00:44:57,797 --> 00:45:03,103
Hear me out.

927
00:45:03,103 --> 00:45:04,037
Hear me out.

928
00:45:04,037 --> 00:45:04,938
Okay.

929
00:45:04,938 --> 00:45:07,040
You can't be mad at Stephen
Hawking

930
00:45:07,040 --> 00:45:09,309
for being in this picture.
What was he supposed to do?

931
00:45:09,309 --> 00:45:12,412
Walk away.

932
00:45:12,412 --> 00:45:15,582
They basically trafficked him.

933
00:45:15,582 --> 00:45:20,620
He had no choice but to forgive
the expression. Roll with it.

934
00:45:20,620 --> 00:45:21,788
And don't forget the most

935
00:45:21,788 --> 00:45:25,859
important thing Doctor Hawking
taught us. Time is relative.

936
00:45:25,859 --> 00:45:31,364
So that means age is just a
number away. Oh. That's not.

937
00:45:31,364 --> 00:45:32,265
This has been.

938
00:45:32,265 --> 00:45:39,539
Hear me out.

939
00:45:39,539 --> 00:45:42,075
Oh, man.

940
00:45:42,075 --> 00:45:45,078
A 70 year old man is saying that
he discovered

941
00:45:45,078 --> 00:45:46,680
he had a serious heart issue

942
00:45:46,680 --> 00:45:49,249
after getting an alert
from his smart mattress.

943
00:45:49,249 --> 00:45:50,350
While a regular mattress.

944
00:45:50,350 --> 00:45:55,922
Diagnose my drinking problem
with a big old wet spot.

945
00:45:55,922 --> 00:45:58,558
Thursday was National
Small Dog Day,

946
00:45:58,558 --> 00:46:06,366
which is celebrated
every February by Hawks.

947
00:46:06,366 --> 00:46:08,735
Today is the last day of Black
History Month,

948
00:46:08,735 --> 00:46:15,475
sponsored by Tourettes.

949
00:46:15,475 --> 00:46:19,045
This show was for someone else.

950
00:46:19,045 --> 00:46:21,448
Some American Girl
doll collectors

951
00:46:21,448 --> 00:46:23,850
say they are upset
with a new line of modern

952
00:46:23,850 --> 00:46:27,620
era dolls that appear skinnier
than previous dolls.

953
00:46:27,620 --> 00:46:32,092
Skinnier now with those cankles.

954
00:46:32,092 --> 00:46:36,730
And. Actress Amanda Seyfried

955
00:46:36,730 --> 00:46:38,898
revealed in an interview
that for a scene

956
00:46:38,898 --> 00:46:42,802
in her new movie,
she used a prosthetic butt hole.

957
00:46:42,802 --> 00:46:44,204
Even more disturbing,

958
00:46:44,204 --> 00:46:49,242
the movie is Stuart
Little in the Forbidden Cave.

959
00:46:53,546 --> 00:46:55,448
Well,
the internet has fallen in love

960
00:46:55,448 --> 00:46:59,152
with a baby monkey named punch,

961
00:46:59,152 --> 00:47:00,553
who is being.

962
00:47:00,553 --> 00:47:03,623
He's being bullied
by other monkeys after his mom

963
00:47:03,623 --> 00:47:06,926
abandoned him here with her
side of the story is punch.

964
00:47:06,926 --> 00:47:09,763
His mom.

965
00:47:09,763 --> 00:47:13,366
Oh, y'all don't know me.

966
00:47:13,366 --> 00:47:16,603
You also know me.
You don't know me.

967
00:47:16,603 --> 00:47:18,104
You don't know me.

968
00:47:18,104 --> 00:47:23,877
But you, fella,
you could get to know me.

969
00:47:23,877 --> 00:47:31,418
Hey, you like my body, curly?

970
00:47:31,418 --> 00:47:35,355
I think I think
I think I'm good, but everyone,

971
00:47:35,355 --> 00:47:38,525
everyone is wondering, you know,
why did you abandon punch?

972
00:47:38,525 --> 00:47:41,261
Oh, I had a really good reason.

973
00:47:41,261 --> 00:47:44,397
Okay. What is it? I don't wanna.

974
00:47:44,397 --> 00:47:46,366
Oh! Shut up!

975
00:47:46,366 --> 00:47:52,072
Shut the hell up! You shut up.
You shut up! Shut the hell up!

976
00:47:52,072 --> 00:47:54,841
Why is everyone so mad
at punches, mom?

977
00:47:54,841 --> 00:47:56,776
What about punches, dad?

978
00:47:56,776 --> 00:48:00,447
Well, who is punches, dad? Well,
how am I supposed to know?

979
00:48:00,447 --> 00:48:05,318
I'm like a public library.
Anyone could come inside.

980
00:48:05,318 --> 00:48:09,489
Oh! Shut up! I've been
with all the A-list monkeys.

981
00:48:09,489 --> 00:48:11,624
I've been what? King Kong?

982
00:48:11,624 --> 00:48:15,028
Something
you might not expect about him.

983
00:48:15,028 --> 00:48:19,432
His penis is actually huge.

984
00:48:19,432 --> 00:48:21,735
I lost, I slept with George.

985
00:48:21,735 --> 00:48:23,436
For someone so curious,

986
00:48:23,436 --> 00:48:28,641
he sure had no interest
in finding my bean.

987
00:48:28,641 --> 00:48:33,313
Oh, well, let's just say
I was Harun Bay's last meal.

988
00:48:33,313 --> 00:48:36,750
Oh, God, I shall. Shut up!

989
00:48:36,750 --> 00:48:39,619
Shut the hell up! Kiss my. Yes!

990
00:48:39,619 --> 00:48:43,223
Kiss my monkey. Yes!

991
00:48:43,223 --> 00:48:46,693
Kiss my ass! Colin.

992
00:48:46,693 --> 00:48:50,764
You ain't my body, girl.
And I'm not.

993
00:48:50,764 --> 00:48:51,498
You know what?

994
00:48:51,498 --> 00:48:52,866
You know what punches mom?

995
00:48:52,866 --> 00:48:54,868
We actually have
a little surprise for you.

996
00:48:54,868 --> 00:48:57,437
Let's bring him out. It's punch.

997
00:48:57,437 --> 00:49:03,276
Oh, surprise!

998
00:49:03,276 --> 00:49:05,545
Hi, everybody.

999
00:49:05,545 --> 00:49:09,749
Oh! Hell no. Oh! Come on.

1000
00:49:09,749 --> 00:49:15,689
How could you
not love a face like that?

1001
00:49:15,689 --> 00:49:17,857
Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa.

1002
00:49:17,857 --> 00:49:23,430
Why won't you love me?

1003
00:49:23,430 --> 00:49:26,733
You're breaking my heart.

1004
00:49:26,733 --> 00:49:29,803
Oh. I should get your mama
a hug.

1005
00:49:29,803 --> 00:49:34,140
Oh. Oh. Oh, man. Look at that.

1006
00:49:34,140 --> 00:49:35,442
Oh, it's a reunion.

1007
00:49:35,442 --> 00:49:40,914
That's so sweet, Carl.
And now I want another baby.

1008
00:49:40,914 --> 00:49:42,248
Oh, wait.

1009
00:49:42,248 --> 00:49:49,356
Oh, come on, Colin, you know
we share 98% of the same DNA.

1010
00:49:49,356 --> 00:49:52,058
All I'm
asking for is a little bit more.

1011
00:49:52,058 --> 00:49:57,197
Maury, you was punch
and his mom. Everyone.

1012
00:49:57,197 --> 00:49:59,599
Oh, my God.

1013
00:49:59,599 --> 00:50:02,002
For Weekend Update, I'm
Colin Jost, I'm Michael che.

1014
00:50:02,002 --> 00:50:04,838
Good night.

1015
00:50:19,019 --> 00:50:21,087
So basically
it was a whole thing.

1016
00:50:21,087 --> 00:50:23,423
And they have not talked since.

1017
00:50:23,423 --> 00:50:25,525
Wow. I did not realize you knew

1018
00:50:25,525 --> 00:50:29,095
so much about Hilary Duff
family. Yeah.

1019
00:50:29,095 --> 00:50:32,365
Just say
it's a special interest of mine.

1020
00:50:32,365 --> 00:50:36,036
Okay, so, Griff, you just
got back from a trip, right?

1021
00:50:36,036 --> 00:50:36,403
Oh, yeah.

1022
00:50:37,270 --> 00:50:39,472
I feel like you were gone for a
while. Yeah, yeah. I'm lucky.

1023
00:50:39,472 --> 00:50:42,842
You know, I had a ton of PTO,
and I figured, if not now, when?

1024
00:50:42,842 --> 00:50:45,378
Oh, wow. That's amazing.

1025
00:50:45,378 --> 00:50:47,847
You were in Europe.
Where abouts?

1026
00:50:47,847 --> 00:50:49,249
So we did Italy for a day.

1027
00:50:49,249 --> 00:50:51,484
We did Spain for a day,
and then Turkey

1028
00:50:51,484 --> 00:50:54,054
for two months, and. Oh,

1029
00:50:54,054 --> 00:50:56,256
that must
be the sheet pan nachos

1030
00:51:04,164 --> 00:51:07,834
Oh my God.

1031
00:51:07,834 --> 00:51:12,739
Griff, did you get that leg
lengthening surgery?

1032
00:51:12,739 --> 00:51:15,775
Leg lengthening, sir?

1033
00:51:15,775 --> 00:51:18,144
That's a tongue twister.
Am I right, Davis?

1034
00:51:18,144 --> 00:51:21,681
Yeah, seriously, it's like
Sheila shakes a shallow leg.

1035
00:51:21,681 --> 00:51:25,085
Like, does the surgery work?

1036
00:51:25,085 --> 00:51:27,654
Exactly. Davis.

1037
00:51:27,654 --> 00:51:30,990
Anyway,
I better go get those nachos.

1038
00:51:30,990 --> 00:51:34,094
Yeah. Oh, yeah, I am.

1039
00:51:34,094 --> 00:51:34,561
I'm fine.

1040
00:51:34,861 --> 00:51:36,129
Dude, you're like,
seven foot two.

1041
00:51:36,129 --> 00:51:39,866
Just admit you got the surgery.
Yeah, bro, you're like two.

1042
00:51:39,866 --> 00:51:43,570
Haley Duff's tall right
now. You.

1043
00:51:43,570 --> 00:51:44,938
Am I wrong?

1044
00:51:44,938 --> 00:51:50,110
We don't know. Dude.
You used to be, like five one,

1045
00:51:50,110 --> 00:51:52,445
five one.

1046
00:51:52,445 --> 00:51:55,115
You want don't have
I think I got, like,

1047
00:51:55,115 --> 00:51:57,550
maybe when I was a baby.

1048
00:51:57,550 --> 00:52:00,720
No, I specifically remember
you were five one

1049
00:52:00,720 --> 00:52:03,723
before you left for Turkey
because you dated a girl.

1050
00:52:03,723 --> 00:52:05,091
That was five two.

1051
00:52:05,091 --> 00:52:08,228
And she said,
I'll literally kill myself

1052
00:52:08,228 --> 00:52:10,764
if my boyfriend is
one inch shorter than me.

1053
00:52:10,764 --> 00:52:15,535
And unfortunately, we lost her.

1054
00:52:15,535 --> 00:52:16,736
But guys, guys.

1055
00:52:16,736 --> 00:52:20,273
Come on. Did you ever think that
maybe just Griff grew?

1056
00:52:20,273 --> 00:52:22,475
You know,
like, people have growth spurts?

1057
00:52:22,475 --> 00:52:24,744
Not when you're 31.

1058
00:52:24,744 --> 00:52:27,981
Okay, well. Well,
maybe he hit a second puberty.

1059
00:52:27,981 --> 00:52:31,217
Or, as I like to call it, a two.
Brodie.

1060
00:52:31,217 --> 00:52:34,220
Yes. Is a two. Three?

1061
00:52:34,220 --> 00:52:39,359
Yes. Dude. You're awesome.
Davis. Dude, by the way.

1062
00:52:39,359 --> 00:52:41,661
Hey, Kyle.

1063
00:52:41,661 --> 00:52:43,997
We got to do a basketball
rematch, brother.

1064
00:52:43,997 --> 00:52:46,866
What happen? Having a pow wow.

1065
00:52:46,866 --> 00:52:49,002
All right, dunk on your ass.
You're not dunking.

1066
00:52:49,002 --> 00:52:50,770
I'm not playing you
in basketball.

1067
00:52:50,770 --> 00:52:53,640
Oh, scared and so scared.

1068
00:52:53,640 --> 00:52:55,241
I've never seen him scared
like this.

1069
00:52:55,241 --> 00:53:01,614
Hey. Yeah, I am scared of
your new Turkish legs shattering

1070
00:53:01,614 --> 00:53:02,515
guys.

1071
00:53:02,515 --> 00:53:04,884
Seriously, though,
if I got the leg

1072
00:53:04,884 --> 00:53:09,155
lengthening surgery or whatever,
would I be able to do this?

1073
00:53:12,058 --> 00:53:14,861
Yes, definitely.

1074
00:53:14,861 --> 00:53:18,164
Okay, fine, I admit it.
I got the surgery.

1075
00:53:18,164 --> 00:53:19,165
Are you happy now?

1076
00:53:19,165 --> 00:53:21,768
Yeah. Seriously,
are you guys happy now?

1077
00:53:21,768 --> 00:53:23,937
Davis,
why are you so invested in this?

1078
00:53:23,937 --> 00:53:26,239
Oh, oh, I'll tell you why.

1079
00:53:26,239 --> 00:53:28,775
Because in order for Griff
to achieve his dreams,

1080
00:53:28,775 --> 00:53:31,811
I had to donate my leg bones.

1081
00:53:31,811 --> 00:53:35,081
Oh, yeah. That's right.

1082
00:53:35,081 --> 00:53:37,517
You both got leg
shortening surgery.

1083
00:53:37,517 --> 00:53:39,919
You didn't have to do that. Oh,
okay.

1084
00:53:39,919 --> 00:53:43,490
Yeah, I did,
because that's what friends do.

1085
00:53:43,490 --> 00:53:46,459
No, like you medically
didn't have to do that.

1086
00:53:46,459 --> 00:53:50,897
They use rods. It's
not like a kidney.

1087
00:53:50,897 --> 00:53:54,534
Well, I'm glad I didn't know
that information

1088
00:53:54,534 --> 00:53:59,806
because I love my new little
legs.

1089
00:53:59,806 --> 00:54:01,808
Yes. Davis. Yeah.

1090
00:54:01,808 --> 00:54:04,044
I love them legs, man.

1091
00:54:04,044 --> 00:54:07,614
Now, the doctor did say that
there's an 80% chance

1092
00:54:07,614 --> 00:54:10,350
my body will reject his bones,

1093
00:54:10,350 --> 00:54:13,720
but doctors will be saying
whatever.

1094
00:54:13,720 --> 00:54:14,721
Hey. Hey, man.

1095
00:54:14,721 --> 00:54:16,222
The second
I am medically cleared

1096
00:54:16,222 --> 00:54:19,059
to stand in 2029,
I am giving you that hug.

1097
00:54:19,059 --> 00:54:20,060
Oh my gosh.

1098
00:54:20,193 --> 00:54:23,363
And in the meantime, I'll bring
the hug to you here. But

1099
00:54:26,499 --> 00:54:29,235
Oh, my.

1100
00:54:29,235 --> 00:54:30,937
Oh my goodness.

1101
00:54:30,937 --> 00:54:33,707
Y'all distracted me
and the sheet tray, not Joseph.

1102
00:54:33,707 --> 00:54:39,512
Bernie I gotta go
grab some nachos. Oh, nachos.

1103
00:54:39,512 --> 00:54:43,516
Oh yeah.

1104
00:54:43,516 --> 00:54:44,217
Great.

1105
00:54:44,517 --> 00:54:49,556
Another bad day
in a series of bad days for me.

1106
00:55:01,868 --> 00:55:06,373
Don't ask me. Hi, guys.
Everybody. Randall.

1107
00:55:06,373 --> 00:55:08,942
If I can get everyone's
attention for a snack.

1108
00:55:08,942 --> 00:55:10,076
Look,

1109
00:55:10,076 --> 00:55:13,346
I know spirits are low after
the third round of layoffs,

1110
00:55:13,346 --> 00:55:16,049
so I think it would be great
to brainstorm

1111
00:55:16,049 --> 00:55:19,953
some ways to raise
office morale.

1112
00:55:19,953 --> 00:55:21,821
How about some more vacation
days?

1113
00:55:21,821 --> 00:55:24,624
Okay. That's great. Who else?

1114
00:55:24,624 --> 00:55:26,726
What about an espresso machine
for the kitchen

1115
00:55:26,726 --> 00:55:29,195
or, new TV for the break room?

1116
00:55:29,195 --> 00:55:32,665
Okay, these are all great.
Any other ideas?

1117
00:55:32,665 --> 00:55:34,901
I have an idea.

1118
00:55:34,901 --> 00:55:38,738
We should have a dance.

1119
00:55:38,738 --> 00:55:41,241
I'm sorry. What?

1120
00:55:41,241 --> 00:55:43,410
We should have a big dance.

1121
00:55:43,410 --> 00:55:47,080
The boys in tuxedos,
the girls in gowns.

1122
00:55:47,080 --> 00:55:49,949
A night to remember.

1123
00:55:49,949 --> 00:55:52,252
Okay, sure.

1124
00:55:52,252 --> 00:55:56,556
Probably not a dance, but,
what about some other ideas?

1125
00:55:56,556 --> 00:56:00,026
Oh, I think we should get
a women's bathroom.

1126
00:56:00,026 --> 00:56:02,462
I'm tired of sticking
my bare ass out the window

1127
00:56:02,462 --> 00:56:06,266
every time I have to go.

1128
00:56:06,266 --> 00:56:10,603
Hannah,
we have a women's bathroom.

1129
00:56:10,603 --> 00:56:13,573
We do?

1130
00:56:13,573 --> 00:56:17,177
Well, in that case,
I vote for the dance.

1131
00:56:17,177 --> 00:56:18,311
Quick question about the dance.

1132
00:56:18,311 --> 00:56:21,915
Would we,
bring our wives and husbands?

1133
00:56:21,915 --> 00:56:26,052
No, we would go with each other.

1134
00:56:26,052 --> 00:56:27,187
The boys would ask the girls.

1135
00:56:27,187 --> 00:56:31,458
And for one night only,
the outside world doesn't exist.

1136
00:56:31,458 --> 00:56:34,861
Severin style.

1137
00:56:34,861 --> 00:56:38,164
And what do you mean by seven?
Stop.

1138
00:56:38,164 --> 00:56:40,166
Well, at home
you can be one person,

1139
00:56:40,166 --> 00:56:44,304
but in the office you're living
a completely different life.

1140
00:56:44,304 --> 00:56:48,074
And I've been living seven style
this whole time.

1141
00:56:48,074 --> 00:56:50,210
No, Jerry,
you're just having an affair.

1142
00:56:50,210 --> 00:56:56,216
My enemy is my outie
is actually a really good man.

1143
00:56:56,249 --> 00:56:59,085
He's a father and a husband
who doesn't cheat.

1144
00:56:59,085 --> 00:57:02,022
Never miss a baseball game
because he was drinking.

1145
00:57:02,022 --> 00:57:05,025
He's a good man. And that.

1146
00:57:05,025 --> 00:57:08,328
So I have to say about that.

1147
00:57:11,297 --> 00:57:11,798
Okay.

1148
00:57:12,265 --> 00:57:14,868
Moving on. What else will happen
at this dance?

1149
00:57:14,868 --> 00:57:17,404
Oh, well,
the office nerd will take off

1150
00:57:17,404 --> 00:57:20,807
their glasses, revealing
they're actually beautiful.

1151
00:57:20,807 --> 00:57:26,646
Too bad
we don't have an office nerd.

1152
00:57:26,646 --> 00:57:29,916
Hey, girl.

1153
00:57:29,916 --> 00:57:32,118
Question for the dance.

1154
00:57:32,118 --> 00:57:34,654
Could we sneak alcohol
into the office?

1155
00:57:34,654 --> 00:57:37,791
You already do that, Randall?

1156
00:57:37,791 --> 00:57:44,330
No. I just bring my big bottle
of sprite every day, and.

1157
00:57:44,330 --> 00:57:44,931
That's right.

1158
00:57:44,931 --> 00:57:48,068
It's from.

1159
00:57:48,068 --> 00:57:50,203
Oh, and another thing.

1160
00:57:50,203 --> 00:57:52,072
At the end of the night,
we would crown a king

1161
00:57:52,072 --> 00:57:52,972
and the queen.

1162
00:57:52,972 --> 00:57:55,208
Oh I know who
the king's going to be.

1163
00:57:55,208 --> 00:58:01,214
Egbert.

1164
00:58:04,284 --> 00:58:07,020
Maybe
it's the sprite talking but

1165
00:58:07,020 --> 00:58:10,190
I'd hit it.

1166
00:58:10,190 --> 00:58:12,726
At him.

1167
00:58:12,726 --> 00:58:15,829
Oh that's great. Got a bite.

1168
00:58:15,829 --> 00:58:17,564
So it's settled.

1169
00:58:17,564 --> 00:58:19,632
Egbert will be king,
and the queen

1170
00:58:19,632 --> 00:58:22,736
will be the hottest girl
in the office.

1171
00:58:22,736 --> 00:58:25,538
Okay, on the count of three,
let's all say who

1172
00:58:25,538 --> 00:58:27,474
we think the hottest girl
in the office is.

1173
00:58:27,474 --> 00:58:30,577
No, guys, no one.

1174
00:58:30,577 --> 00:58:33,847
Two. Three. Hannah.

1175
00:58:36,116 --> 00:58:39,285
No one else said anything.

1176
00:58:39,285 --> 00:58:41,888
Cool.

1177
00:58:41,888 --> 00:58:46,059
Okay,
now all we need are, dates.

1178
00:58:46,059 --> 00:58:47,694
Cassie.

1179
00:58:47,694 --> 00:58:49,963
Ever since the first day
I started working here,

1180
00:58:49,963 --> 00:58:52,699
you, like,
totally changed my life.

1181
00:58:52,699 --> 00:58:58,438
Oh, so I'm
going to take a chance.

1182
00:58:58,438 --> 00:59:04,577
Oh. Cassie, will
you go to the dance with me?

1183
00:59:04,577 --> 00:59:07,147
Oh, every bone in my body

1184
00:59:07,147 --> 00:59:10,450
is telling me
you're just going to hurt me.

1185
00:59:10,450 --> 00:59:12,585
But, yes,

1186
00:59:12,585 --> 00:59:18,124
you guys are both married
to other people.

1187
00:59:18,124 --> 00:59:20,560
Not tonight.

1188
00:59:20,560 --> 00:59:24,264
Nice. Seven. Stop.

1189
00:59:24,264 --> 00:59:30,036
Well, looks like all we need
now is some music,

1190
00:59:30,036 --> 00:59:37,043
Making out with that?

1191
00:59:37,043 --> 00:59:41,247
Mumford and sons,
we are using our bathroom.

1192
00:59:41,247 --> 00:59:41,648
Of course.

1193
00:59:41,948 --> 00:59:46,786
You, we do everything together.

1194
00:59:46,786 --> 00:59:51,291
Now let's get king eggs
laid for the very first time.

1195
00:59:51,291 --> 00:59:55,061
What makes you think I haven't
been? I haven't?

1196
01:00:22,222 --> 01:00:25,191
>>> ONCE AGAIN, MUMFORD and SONS.

1197
01:00:25,191 --> 01:00:32,198
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

1198
01:00:32,198 --> 01:00:32,532
♪♪

1199
01:00:32,532 --> 01:00:35,935
♪♪

1200
01:00:35,935 --> 01:00:37,937
♪ WELL HERE'S MY

1201
01:00:37,937 --> 01:00:40,173
FINAL SERENADE

1202
01:00:40,173 --> 01:00:40,940
HERE'S A GUN

1203
01:00:40,940 --> 01:00:43,910
AND HERE'S A BLADE ♪

1204
01:00:43,910 --> 01:00:45,178
♪ HERE'S A PICTURE

1205
01:00:45,178 --> 01:00:46,212
THAT I SAVED

1206
01:00:46,212 --> 01:00:48,415
FOR TOO LONG ♪

1207
01:00:48,415 --> 01:00:49,416
♪ HERE'S MY

1208
01:00:49,416 --> 01:00:51,685
CREDIT CARD AND KEYS

1209
01:00:51,685 --> 01:00:52,919
AND THE REASON

1210
01:00:52,919 --> 01:00:55,188
I WON'T FIND PEACE ♪

1211
01:00:55,188 --> 01:00:56,923
♪ HERE'S A SONG

1212
01:00:56,923 --> 01:00:58,925
I COULD NOT COMPLETE

1213
01:00:58,925 --> 01:01:00,427
FOR TOO LONG ♪

1214
01:01:00,427 --> 01:01:01,695
♪ HERE'S MY PRIDE

1215
01:01:01,695 --> 01:01:02,929
AND HERE'S MY SHAME

1216
01:01:02,929 --> 01:01:04,197
HERE'S A TROPHY

1217
01:01:04,197 --> 01:01:06,433
THAT BEARS MY NAME ♪

1218
01:01:06,433 --> 01:01:07,434
♪ HERE'S ALL THE

1219
01:01:07,434 --> 01:01:09,903
MISTAKES I MADE

1220
01:01:09,903 --> 01:01:11,905
FOR TOO LONG ♪

1221
01:01:11,905 --> 01:01:13,440
♪ HERE'S THE ANSWERS

1222
01:01:13,440 --> 01:01:15,442
I NEVER GAVE

1223
01:01:15,442 --> 01:01:17,177
HERE'S THE CALLS

1224
01:01:17,177 --> 01:01:19,412
I SHOULDA MADE ♪

1225
01:01:19,412 --> 01:01:25,185
♪ HERE'S A SUBSTANCE

1226
01:01:25,185 --> 01:01:26,453
THAT I CRAVED

1227
01:01:26,453 --> 01:01:27,420
ALL ALONG ♪

1228
01:01:27,420 --> 01:01:28,421
♪ WELL HERE'S MY VISION

1229
01:01:28,421 --> 01:01:29,422
HERE'S MY AIM

1230
01:01:29,422 --> 01:01:30,690
HERE'S MY ADDRESS

1231
01:01:30,690 --> 01:01:31,925
AND THE ONES I BLAME ♪

1232
01:01:31,925 --> 01:01:33,460
♪ WHILE YOU'RE SITTING

1233
01:01:33,460 --> 01:01:36,429
TAKING NAMES

1234
01:01:36,429 --> 01:01:39,165
I JUST WANT TO BELONG ♪

1235
01:01:39,165 --> 01:01:41,935
♪ HERE'S MY LONELY SERENADE

1236
01:01:41,935 --> 01:01:42,936
HERE'S A GUN AND

1237
01:01:42,936 --> 01:01:44,938
HERE'S A BLADE ♪

1238
01:01:44,938 --> 01:01:46,206
♪ HERE'S A PICTURE

1239
01:01:46,206 --> 01:01:48,908
THAT I SAVED

1240
01:01:48,908 --> 01:01:51,711
BEFORE YOU WERE GONE ♪

1241
01:01:51,711 --> 01:01:52,946
♪ AND HERE'S MY PRIDE

1242
01:01:52,946 --> 01:01:53,913
AND HERE'S MY SHAME

1243
01:01:53,913 --> 01:01:55,148
HERE'S A TROPHY

1244
01:01:55,148 --> 01:01:57,183
THAT BEARS MY NAME ♪

1245
01:01:57,183 --> 01:01:58,184
♪ HERE'S ALL THE

1246
01:01:58,184 --> 01:02:01,154
MISTAKES I MADE

1247
01:02:01,154 --> 01:02:03,423
FOR TOO LONG ♪

1248
01:02:03,423 --> 01:02:04,691
♪ HERE'S THE ANSWERS

1249
01:02:04,691 --> 01:02:05,925
I NEVER GAVE

1250
01:02:05,925 --> 01:02:07,193
HERE'S THE CALLS

1251
01:02:07,193 --> 01:02:09,429
I SHOULDA MADE ♪

1252
01:02:09,429 --> 01:02:10,663
♪ HERE'S A SUBSTANCE

1253
01:02:10,663 --> 01:02:11,931
THAT I CRAVE

1254
01:02:11,931 --> 01:02:20,674
ALL ALONG ♪

1255
01:02:20,674 --> 01:02:23,176
♪ CAN YOU HOLD

1256
01:02:23,176 --> 01:02:27,180
ALL MY SECRETS

1257
01:02:27,180 --> 01:02:28,948
CAN WE SWEAR

1258
01:02:28,948 --> 01:02:32,686
THAT WE CAN FORGET ♪

1259
01:02:32,686 --> 01:02:35,689
♪ I HAD LIES LIKE

1260
01:02:35,689 --> 01:02:41,428
YOU WOULDN'T BELIEVE

1261
01:02:41,428 --> 01:02:46,199
BROUGHT TO MY KNEES ♪

1262
01:02:46,199 --> 01:02:54,674
♪♪

1263
01:02:54,674 --> 01:02:59,913
♪♪

1264
01:02:59,913 --> 01:03:01,448
♪ WELL HERE'S MY PRIDE

1265
01:03:01,448 --> 01:03:02,682
AND HERE'S MY SHAME

1266
01:03:02,682 --> 01:03:03,950
HERE'S A TROPHY

1267
01:03:03,950 --> 01:03:06,186
THAT BEARS MY NAME ♪

1268
01:03:06,186 --> 01:03:07,454
♪ HERE'S ALL THE

1269
01:03:07,454 --> 01:03:08,688
MISTAKES I MADE

1270
01:03:08,688 --> 01:03:11,157
FOR TOO LONG ♪

1271
01:03:11,157 --> 01:03:12,892
♪ HERE'S THE ANSWERS

1272
01:03:12,892 --> 01:03:15,395
I NEVER GAVE

1273
01:03:15,395 --> 01:03:17,163
HERE'S THE CALLS

1274
01:03:17,163 --> 01:03:18,898
I SHOULDA MADE ♪

1275
01:03:18,898 --> 01:03:22,135
♪ HERE'S A SUBSTANCE

1276
01:03:22,135 --> 01:03:22,902
THAT I CRAVED

1277
01:03:22,902 --> 01:03:25,905
ALL ALONG ♪

1278
01:03:25,905 --> 01:03:29,776
♪♪

1279
01:03:29,776 --> 01:03:39,452
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

1280
01:03:46,092 --> 01:03:47,894
The suite is so nice.

1281
01:03:47,894 --> 01:03:50,897
I can't believe you guys splurge
on my bachelorette party.

1282
01:03:50,897 --> 01:03:53,299
Oh, we love you. So fun.

1283
01:03:53,299 --> 01:03:55,769
Well, get ready,
because for my bachelorette,

1284
01:03:55,769 --> 01:03:57,971
I'm going to make you guys
take me to Europe.

1285
01:03:57,971 --> 01:03:58,972
Oh, okay.

1286
01:03:58,972 --> 01:04:04,878
Just try getting
to a relationship first.

1287
01:04:04,878 --> 01:04:06,680
Oh, my God, I'm trying.

1288
01:04:06,680 --> 01:04:09,349
Oh! Ooh! Who could that be?

1289
01:04:09,349 --> 01:04:11,818
Don't tell me
you guys got a stripper.

1290
01:04:11,818 --> 01:04:17,824
Guilty.

1291
01:04:21,461 --> 01:04:22,829
I am serious.

1292
01:04:22,829 --> 01:04:24,798
I like these.

1293
01:04:24,798 --> 01:04:25,331
Oh my God.

1294
01:04:25,331 --> 01:04:30,303
Oh, my God, the plumber.

1295
01:04:30,303 --> 01:04:33,073
Is that.

1296
01:04:33,073 --> 01:04:35,075
Oh my God!

1297
01:04:35,075 --> 01:04:36,076
Are you okay?

1298
01:04:36,076 --> 01:04:39,913
Oh, I was hit by a little car
on my way here,

1299
01:04:39,913 --> 01:04:41,981
but I've never missed the party,

1300
01:04:41,981 --> 01:04:45,752
and I'm not going to start now.

1301
01:04:45,752 --> 01:04:48,888
Oh. Who wants to see my abs?

1302
01:04:48,888 --> 01:04:53,560
Oh. Oh.

1303
01:04:53,560 --> 01:04:57,864
Oh. I'm worried about him,
but I definitely don't

1304
01:04:57,864 --> 01:04:59,132
want him to stop.

1305
01:05:00,500 --> 01:05:03,536
Well, I just
hope his penis is unscathed.

1306
01:05:03,536 --> 01:05:08,441
Oh, can we know you're gay?
You don't have to do all that.

1307
01:05:08,441 --> 01:05:10,043
Oh, okay.

1308
01:05:10,043 --> 01:05:13,279
So I have so many more clothes
to put on the floor.

1309
01:05:13,279 --> 01:05:16,950
Oh. Oh, I think that's his sexy

1310
01:05:16,950 --> 01:05:19,953
little lady
who wants to help me.

1311
01:05:19,953 --> 01:05:25,959
Brown hair like mama. Oh.

1312
01:05:33,800 --> 01:05:35,068
Oh. Oh.

1313
01:05:35,068 --> 01:05:39,072
Gorgeous woman.

1314
01:05:39,072 --> 01:05:41,908
I'm on my way to you.

1315
01:05:41,908 --> 01:05:45,245
Wow. He's using his plunger
to crawl towards me.

1316
01:05:45,245 --> 01:05:47,113
That's so hot.

1317
01:05:47,113 --> 01:05:50,417
Oh. What's your name? Mama.

1318
01:05:50,417 --> 01:05:53,119
Ella.

1319
01:05:53,119 --> 01:05:55,221
Was your last name?

1320
01:05:55,221 --> 01:05:58,091
Okay. I feel like you're just,
like, stalling to get over.

1321
01:05:58,091 --> 01:06:04,097
Okay.

1322
01:06:05,865 --> 01:06:09,936
Okay. Oh.

1323
01:06:09,936 --> 01:06:12,739
Oh, okay. Okay. Oh, yes.

1324
01:06:12,739 --> 01:06:18,712
Will you dance with me? Yes.

1325
01:06:19,779 --> 01:06:21,481
00000.

1326
01:06:21,481 --> 01:06:25,752
Okay.
You got a lot of blood. Okay.

1327
01:06:25,752 --> 01:06:28,388
Will you
take off my pants? Are you.

1328
01:06:30,857 --> 01:06:31,358
Are you sure?

1329
01:06:31,358 --> 01:06:31,891
Because it seemed like

1330
01:06:32,392 --> 01:06:33,793
when you took your shirt off,
it hurt really bad.

1331
01:06:33,793 --> 01:06:35,095
No, these are terrible.

1332
01:06:35,095 --> 01:06:40,433
Oh, okay. One. Two. Three. Oh.

1333
01:06:40,433 --> 01:06:42,635
Three. Yeah.

1334
01:06:42,635 --> 01:06:46,906
Oh, Serge, is your leg okay?

1335
01:06:46,906 --> 01:06:50,210
What do you think?
I got it back.

1336
01:06:50,210 --> 01:06:52,979
Well, ladies, I think we're
all thinking the same thing.

1337
01:06:52,979 --> 01:06:56,282
His body is mid.

1338
01:06:56,282 --> 01:07:00,620
It's literally
the best I've ever seen.

1339
01:07:00,620 --> 01:07:03,556
Oh my God.

1340
01:07:03,556 --> 01:07:07,127
Sounds like someone's
little lap dance.

1341
01:07:07,127 --> 01:07:08,495
I guess I frankly do.

1342
01:07:08,495 --> 01:07:13,333
Oh, do not be so sexy.

1343
01:07:13,333 --> 01:07:15,835
It took my breath. Okay.

1344
01:07:15,835 --> 01:07:19,339
Oh. Oh. Oh,

1345
01:07:19,339 --> 01:07:22,709
and you stuck my bed.

1346
01:07:22,709 --> 01:07:24,611
Oh. Oh.

1347
01:07:24,611 --> 01:07:27,480
I'm good.

1348
01:07:27,480 --> 01:07:31,217
Have you wrapped it
around, like, around my thigh?

1349
01:07:31,217 --> 01:07:35,689
Oh, like like a tourniquet.

1350
01:07:35,689 --> 01:07:39,125
Guys, I think he passed out.

1351
01:07:39,125 --> 01:07:43,163
Hey, Serge. You okay?
Oh my God. Oh!

1352
01:07:43,163 --> 01:07:47,300
Oh my God. Oh! Oh, my. Oh!

1353
01:07:47,300 --> 01:07:49,836
Oh, it's a party.

1354
01:07:51,538 --> 01:07:57,544
Great.

1355
01:07:59,479 --> 01:08:02,015
Oh! Oh.

1356
01:08:02,015 --> 01:08:07,187
Going down.

1357
01:08:07,187 --> 01:08:08,021
Oh my God!

1358
01:08:08,021 --> 01:08:15,095
Is he dead?

1359
01:08:15,095 --> 01:08:21,067
Your life is like this.

1360
01:08:35,515 --> 01:08:37,917
My biggest
thanks to Mumford and Sons

1361
01:08:37,917 --> 01:08:41,388
Quinn Hughes, Jack Hughes,
Hilary Knight, Megan Keller,

1362
01:08:41,388 --> 01:08:44,591
Hudson Williams, Hozier,

1363
01:08:44,591 --> 01:08:47,494
Gerard Farrell and Aaron Desker.

1364
01:08:47,494 --> 01:08:50,697
This is truly been
an absolute dream come true.

1365
01:08:50,697 --> 01:08:54,567
My biggest thank you to Lorne
Michaels for having me here.

1366
01:08:54,567 --> 01:08:56,336
Thank you. Thank you everyone.

1367
01:08:56,336 --> 01:08:59,172
Thank you to Kerry Powers
Rebecca Schwartz.

1368
01:08:59,172 --> 01:09:01,775
Thank you to my team. Thank you
to the crew and the cast.

1369
01:09:01,775 --> 01:09:04,811
Everyone is like so incredible.

1370
01:09:04,811 --> 01:09:07,414
I truly cannot believe this.
Thank you to everyone.

1371
01:09:07,414 --> 01:09:10,550
Thank you to Donna.
Thank you to Jenna.

1372
01:09:10,550 --> 01:09:12,118
It's, like, absolutely insane

1373
01:09:12,118 --> 01:09:15,288
just how many people
are constantly running around

1374
01:09:15,288 --> 01:09:18,358
and, like, this is the best
environment ever.

1375
01:09:18,358 --> 01:09:21,361
So thank you so much.